Monday, June 30, 2008
My husband is being really supportive, but there are even times when he just can't say the right thing either. I'm trying not to take it out on him, it's so easy to do that.
I'm trying to catch up on all of your blogs as well. It's been kinda hard to focus right now and stay positive.
But again, thanks for all of the kind words.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
As soon as my phone rang today and it was my doctor and not some nurse calling with results, I knew right away that it was bad news.
He said my numbers went down and they consider it a chemical pregnancy. I mean I was hoping for both the embryos to make it and I was so thrilled at the prospect of twins. But to get a call that neither one made it...too much.
I am so devastated right now. I went through so many months of trying on my own, only to be let down month after month after month.
When I started this whole IVF process in March, I don't think I've ever been so optimistic. But I kinda thought something was wrong on Monday. I had the kind of cramps you get right before you get your period. I spent the whole morning and early afternoon trying to ignore them while I waited for my beta results.
The doctor said the good news was that I did get pregnant and that I have 3 frozen embryos. I'll just have to wait one cycle and we will transfer again.
I'm trying to sound ok right now, but I just want to cry. I came home from work early and I getting into bed right now to watch some tv and hopefully fall asleep.
Thanks for all the wishes of luck from everyone. I guess let's pray for part 2...
Monday, June 16, 2008
Friday...the 13th was my transfer date. They transferred back 2. It went well and I'm happy to say that the dull pain I had all week from the retrieval seemed to almost disappear right after the transfer. Of course as I lay in the recovery room I was remembering a few of the last episodes of The*Office that I had just watched and I was laughing hysterically while I was waiting for my husband to be brought in. Don't ask me why this is what I was thinking about.
I spent the rest of the day relaxing and took it easy the rest of the weekend.
I go in on Wednesday and Friday for bloodwork and Monday is my PG test.
I'm trying not to think too much about it and I'm really trying hard not to wonder if I'm feeling any symptoms.
Monday, June 9, 2008
- 14 oocytes from yesterday's retrieval
- 2 immature
- 12 mature
- 11 fertilized
I'm so excited, shocked, nervous...
I can't put it into words. I start my progesterone injection tonight and now comes the daily wait to see the progress. Wednesday there will be a biopsy and then the genetic testing. My transfer day is this Friday...the 13th. I'm so not superstitious, in fact I like the number thirteen so I'm very optimistic!!!
Thursday, June 5, 2008
I have been going for my daily monitoring for the last week now. I'm up at 5:30am every morning to be there bright and early for bloodwork and ultrasounds. My arms, or pin cushions as I like to call them, are all bruised up. It's hard to cover them on the days when it is really hot but so far I have been getting away with a light sweater. They really look crappy.
My doctor told me today that it looks like a Sunday retrieval. Which means I would do my trigger shot tomorrow night. It's crazy how fast it all is happening. When this whole process started I felt like it would take forever. I didn't even think I could do the shots, but I'm a pro. At least with the little needles. I have been staring at my trigger shot needle and it looks huge. I hope it doesn't hurt...
I am so nervously excited!!!
Monday, May 19, 2008
The last few pinched a little more but I think I was squeezing my skin too tight. And in case you're wondering, I haven't given myself the shot yet...my husband has been so good about it. I'm just hoping that he can do all of them for me because I really don't think I can do it myself. He wants me to practice in case he has to work late and I tried to last night but I just couldn't do it.
Maybe knowing that he was right there and would do it for me made me not really try. Now I'm just waiting for my period so that I can go in for a day 3 ultrasound. Blah, that should be fun.
Thanks for all the encouragement out there. I promise to let you guys know if I actually get up enough nerve to do it myself.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
I just know that this will be just like math class. I don't like math and I don't like needles, therefore it will go in one ear and out the other.
No, that's bad. I really have to pay attention because it's getting close to the day now. I have a two hour class in the morning and then I wait until May 17th. I hope I don't forget it all by then.
I went for my trial transfer the other day which was a breeze. When the doctor said he was done, I said "with what"? He said "with the trial transfer". I thought he was kidding but he was serious.
I guess after all the crappy stuff I went through in the past couple of weeks this seemed like nothing. Just a little bit of cramping afterwards.
I'm counting down the days, I can't believe it will already be May on Thursday.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
And I totally jinxed myself because I told him that after the pain I felt with the IV in my hand, this would be a piece of cake.
Well, my veins didn't think so. After the first 9 vials it seems as though my vein didn't feel like giving any more blood. So the nurse, who is really cool so I won't say anything bad, decides to move the needle around in my arm at which point I tried real hard to just go to a happy place and hope that it would all be over soon. That was a weird feeling.
Of course that didn't help so she lets me know that she has to try the other arm. No problem I say, how much worse can it get? So the next few vials of blood are just flowing smoothly until the last vial. Again, she says that no more blood is coming out. Really? Cause I thought the fact that I had now turned bright white would be an indication that there is no more blood. But I guess moving the needle around some more can find blood. Oh and that feels lovely, if you haven't tried it, next time you go to give blood, just ask the nurse to shift it around a little.
Well, she ties the tourniquet thing around my arm and she's almost trying to push blood out of me. I was OK, up until this point. I wasn't thinking about the fact that, like an idiot, I had eaten NO BREAKFAST, and that I would probably not be able to walk after this. She finally got the last vial and I was done. DH was up next.
I got up, walked to the waiting room and then the cold sweats started, followed by the weird loss of vision. You know, right when you are about to pass out. Except I wasn't passing out. Just getting real close to that point and then the reality of the needles and blood and everything kept hitting me. I didn't know if I was going to throw up or pass out. But I made it to the bathroom. It was so nice of them to carpet the floor too, because that's where I plopped myself down and went in and out of those nausea waves.
When I finally got up, I made it to the waiting room where my husband was already done, and I thought that I would be able to leave. We made it into the hallway and then I just sat down on the floor. I just felt the room spinning and had to go back inside for a better seat. They brought me something to drink, which they probably should have done before, and then made me lie down and they took my blood pressure. I had to wait there for about 20 minutes to get back to normal.
That was a week ago and I still have black and blue marks on my arms.
Tomorrow I go back for my two week visit after the hysteroscopy and my sounding. I'm not quite sure what the sounding will be. I'll report more tomorrow.
All this stuff is keeping me busy, but I really feel like this is taking forever. I've been waiting my whole life for this to happen. I'm getting a little impatient. But, you can't rush the schedule so I have to stop complaining.... :)
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Actually, the only part that hurt was when he started moving the needle around in a circular motion...damn I just realized that he did that and I'm in pain all over again. I was just able to eat my turkey and cranberry wrap that I bought after the appointment but wasn't able to eat because my mouth was so numb. Now my jaw is just sore, but other than that I have a nice new filling!
Getting back to the last two weeks...
I went for my pre-op blood work and paperwork on the 4th of April. Hubby was feeling sick and so I went to the appointment by myself. He didn't need to be there, I'm a big girl and I can do these things all alone, but he's just so good about always being there for me. I love him.
But he really was sick and since we were going to be flying the next morning, I left him on the couch to rest and get better. I filled out a ton of forms, got a prescription for pain meds and then headed to another part of the hospital for more paperwork and blood tests. While I was there the woman printed a sheet with about three wristbands on it with my name and info. She peels one off and then starts to put it on my wrist. I pulled my wrist back because I thought that she thought that I was having my hysteroscopy that day.
She was like "no, I know you're not having it today" and starts to put it on again. I pull back again and explained to her that I was going on vacation in the morning and there was no way I was keeping a hospital band on my wrist until the 10th. The woman thought I was nuts. And I don't know why I thought that I would have to keep it on either. She just explained that the nurse that would draw the blood would have to make sure that my info matched her forms. OK, so I'm a little out of it.
I was just there for about two hours already and all I could think about was the fact that I hadn't packed for my trip yet. I always wait till the last minute.
Anyway, I finished everything and was told that the would call me the day before the hysteroscopy to let me know what time I would have to be in.
Great, so now I'm leaving for Vegas the next morning and the day before I come home they give me a three hour window of when they will call to give me that info, and I am praying that I get the message because I might be on flight back home at the same time. Lucky for me, they called while I was in the cab heading to the airport.
So, Vegas was ok. Maybe I'm weird for not thinking it was so great, but it was physically exhausting. The time difference, the plane ride, staying up till about 6am the first night we get there...all took it's toll. I was able to take a quick nap but I just felt like crap the rest of the trip.
We saw E.lton J.ohn and C.irque de S.oleil though which were both FANTASTIC!!
I have to say though that I had a pretty crappy appetite and couldn't get a good night's rest the whole time. And the day before I came home I thought I would get a massage where they use these hot rocks. It was ok. I'm not writing home about it, just blogging. I didn't want one of those deep tissue massages because I had one before and I thought the woman was gonna rip my skin off and crack a few ribs while she was at it.
We didn't get home until about 1am and I had to be at the hospital at 9:30am. I barely got any sleep because now I was starting to get nervous. That same feeling I felt when I was young and I had to take a big test at school. Except this time, no studying, just poking and prodding. At least I wouldn't be awake for it.
The worst part of the whole experience...THE IV IN MY HAND!!!
I can still relive the pain. It was horrible. There were two nurses too. The younger one said "nurse so and so will be right here just in case I have a problem getting the needle in". Well, I wasn't looking but if I was I probably would've seen the two of them blindfolded with a hacksaw in their hands. It felt like they were stabbing my hand and had no clue what they were doing. I'm so surprised that I didn't scream.
I was so freaked out by the pain. I've never felt pain like that. My father has told me some horror stories of a nurse trying to get the IV in, and now I can relate.
I had to sit there with the IV for about an hour before they took me to the operating room. Which, by the way, was so huge and intimidating when I first went in. It was like nothing I've ever seen. And there were about 8 people in the room all waiting to do their job. One was going to put these long leg warmer type things on my legs, the other was going to adjust my IV, the other was going to put that mask thing on my face, and I don't know what everyone else was doing. All I know is that when my doctor came in, I almost didn't recognize him. He was in scrubs and a hair net and I had to really look at him. It was so weird to see him in that setting. But I guess I'll have to get used to that.
Once they put the mask on my face and told me to start breathing deeply, the last thing I remember was the woman behind me asking if I was starting to feel sleepy. I remember saying no and praying that they heard me and wouldn't start until I was completely out.
Next thing I know, I'm in recovery 1. This is where you go until you wake up and then they move you to recovery 2. That's where my husband would be waiting. I woke with that feeling of "where the hell am I?". They gave me something for the pain, and then after forever laying there, wheeled me in to the next recovery. It was great to see my husband waiting there. But that was short lived because I had to go to the bathroom so bad. They had someone wheel my to a bathroom and adjust my IV so I could go.
Then back to the bed where they asked if I was hungry. I was starving and devoured a turkey sandwich they brought me like I hadn't eaten in years. My husband was in a state of shock watching me. Not only does he hate turkey sandwiches, but he hates hospital food. Who really loves it? But let me tell you, I was so hungry and it tasted really good.
Wow, now my hands hurt from this frantic typing I'm doing. Let me take a moment and try to make this long story short.
Surprisingly my hand wasn't bruised at all from the IV like I thought it would be. But it was obvious that they had poked two holes. It felt more like 10. I was able to rest and recuperate from my trip and the hysteroscopy. Luckily, my doctor said everything was fine.
So now, I go for blood work again on Thursday morning and then I have to schedule an IVF teach class. I've really been blocking out the whole injection thing and I've been ok with it, but as it gets closer, I'm getting a little nervous.
Now hopefully I get my period on time and I will start meds on the 17th of May. I'm trying to keep my thoughts positive and trying really hard to stay stress free.
To all my fellow bloggers out there I am catching up on all your blogs...fingers crossed for everyone!
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Sorry that I haven't caught up on blogs in about a week and a half...life is crazy without a computer!
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
This set-up has an out-of-pocket price tag of $4000. They also give us the option to do an aneuploidy screening test which tests for some of the more common chromosomal problems such as Down Syndrome, trisomy 13 and trisomy 18, and chromosomes X and Y. The accuracy of this test is 90%. I don't know if I mentioned before but the P*G*D testing is 95-98% accurate, which would mean a CVS test at 10 weeks as well. The additional cost for the aneuploidy test is $2000.
Once the lab has gathered all of this information, they are ready for testing. That will occur after egg retrieval and on day 5 (five days after egg retrieval), the results will be ready. This will be on the morning of the transfer. This will cost $3000. Insurance does not cover these costs.
All of this will be nothing but a memory once I'm holding my own baby in my arms. I can't even be stressed about these fees right now. It just means nothing to me.
Only 52 days (I hope) until I start my injections. It seems like forever.
Friday, March 21, 2008
I really thought I would be more upset than happy, as crazy as that sounds, but I was OK. I couldn't let my emotions get the best of me. I have to just be happy for my sister.
But damn, my baby would've been a week and a half old right now.
The hardest thing right now is everyone calling me to congratulate me on becoming an aunt finally. And all I wish for is for people congratulating me on becoming a mother.
I'm not trying to rush my IVF injections, but I almost want to feel that pain right now to remind me that I am on the right track to having my own. Right now I feel like I'm waiting and waiting and in the meantime, babies are being born, other women are getting pregnant and I'm in limbo.
I need some fudge. It probably won't make me feel any better, but I got a great piece of it from my very best friend and I should have some now. So off I go to enjoy putting on some unnecessary weight. I probably should try and lose some since the stress of IVF might pack on a few more pounds...so I've heard.
Diet starts Monday!
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Monday, March 17, 2008
I won't have to start my IVF injections until exactly two months from today. I loved how they pulled out a calendar and with the information they got from me, they just gave me a rundown of how the next couple of months will go.
My counselor even told me not to worry about memorizing the calendar and everything I have to do because she'll be letting me know every step of the way. Well, I have pretty much memorized it and I can just tell anyone off the top of my head what I have to do.
My DH can't believe that I've memorized the whole calendar. He doesn't realize that it's all I think about all day long. I am constantly updating my calendar and keeping track of every little detail. I don't know, maybe I've got too much time on my hands until the real important stuff begins.
Now that I've gotten the ball rolling with this, I want it to happen now! I am so damn impatient.
On another note, my sister is due in about 6 days. I know she's gonna be a great mom, I just can't believe that it is so close now. It seems like forever that she's been pregnant.
I'll let you know how my new ob-gyn is tomorrow.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Seems like I'll be changing my ob*gyn again. Actually what happened was...yesterday I had an appointment with a new ob*gyn, one who would be affiliated with a hospital closer to where I live. I waited a month and a half for this appointment only to find out that the doctor would only be at his current office for two more weeks and then would be moving.
It's a good thing I checked with the new place because I found out that he wouldn't be accepting my insurance.
That's ok though, because I had a second ob-gyn on standby. She came highly recommended and as it turns out my best friend used to go to her before she moved further away. I really did want to her instead but since I had made the other appointment first I thought I'd just stay with my first choice. I was sort of skeptical about having a male ob, only because I happen to be more comfortable with female doctors.
I thought I would have to wait forever for an appointment, but I was able to get one for Monday.
So we'll see. There's been lots of change for me this year, from doctors to a whole new outlook on this baby making process.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
I guess this can apply to me too. We had to have bloodwork done today for step one of the genetic testing.
Because hubby has a rare form of Thal.assemia, they need to analyze his blood as well as mine, and this will help when they do the P*G*D* test later on. We're taking baby steps...to real baby steps!!
Sunday, March 9, 2008
I'm trying to keep a positive outlook about this even though I am scared to death about doing this.
I found a blog, IVFshootemup , which is informative in a way, and then kinda scary too. But I watched a few videos and I feel like these women didn't look like they couldn't handle it. I was waiting for a few of them to scream or make faces because of the pain. But they just did what they had to do and that was that.
And I can assure you...that will be me too! I can do this.
Friday, March 7, 2008
My appointment was at 12 and I was told to come in about 15 minutes earlier to do paperwork. We got there about 40 minutes early and we still ended up waiting more than an hour before we were called. Back and forth we went, from the doctor, to the nurse, to the counselor and to the billing. We were there for about 3 1/2 hours.
Here it is in a nutshell...
- We both have to go back for some more blood work (we both are carriers of Thal.assemia trait-extra testing after IVF)
- Hubby needs semen analysis
- Scheduled a hysteroscopy for the beginning of April (if the hysteroscopy doesn't throw my cycle off schedule I will start IVF meds by the end of May)
- Need to schedule an IVF teach class
There's a million more details that I'm forgetting right now but only because it was so overwhelming. The counselor told me that I shouldn't try to memorize everything I have to do yet. I should only worry about coming in for blood work and my hysteroscopy. The whole schedule could change but that is what I'm looking at for now.
Because of our genetic problem (thal.assemia), we need to make sure that we do an extra test to make sure the baby would only be a carrier of the trait. And because of this, IVF would be the quickest way for us to get better results because there is a 25% chance of the baby getting the disease (cooleys.anemia) and not just being a carrier of the trait.
So much to think about.
I did bring in my desk calendar so that I could write in all of my appointments and the doctor thought it was really funny. He said he had never seen anyone bring in such a big calendar. I told him I need to be prepared and I hoped that it would be big enough to write in all the crazy things that I would have to keep track of.
I guess I am somewhat prepared. I'm just nervous about these injections. I don't think it'll ever get easy. I dread the sight of them.
Well, my Net*flix movies are waiting for me in the living room. I have three to choose from. I'm gonna organize my paperwork and relax on the couch. It's raining and cold out and hubby is working late.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
So, I'm trying not to think about that until I make the call.
Then I started reading about all the testing and then I got to the part about the injections. I know that I have mentioned before about how I am not a big fan of needles. Well, I had to put the book down, and then I had to bury it deep into the bottom of my huge pocketbook.
I started getting a panicky feeling in my chest and I don't want to have a panic attack before tomorrow. It's good to know what I'm in for, but I will end up freaking out about it in the doctor's office and I don't want to do that.
I won't have any problem taking time off of work, because from what I'm reading, I will need it. I did go out and buy a nice new desk calendar so that I can keep track of everything, but I think I didn't buy the right one. I think I'll need a whole page for each day and not just half.
Maybe I'll buy a nice journal too, because I'm gonna have to start keeping track of all the insurance paperwork and medications.
Maybe I'm also jumping ahead of myself. I really should wait until I go to the doctor tomorrow and then speak with the counselor.
OK, I'll stop now and I'll leave the book in my pocketbook. I have the questions I need to ask so I won't overload my brain right now. It's jumbled enough as it is.
PS. tomorrow would've been my due date. :(
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
I've been feeling like maybe I'm just doing something wrong. Every month that has gone by with negative results has been such a let down. I know that if I start the IVF I have so much more to think about on a daily basis, but I really feel like I'm not alone in this now.
When I was a little girl I always thought that I would have one baby after another. Coming from a family of five kids I couldn't see myself only having one. Now I pray for at least one. It feels like it's so out of my reach.
I don't know what to expect on Friday but I can't wait. I just want someone to tell me it will happen. It can happen, it's gonna happen.
I've been doing a lot of reading and I know that I will have to become friends with the needle. The needle and I aren't really close. In fact it was only recently that I found myself relaxing enough to give blood without practically fainting. I will do whatever I have to do to conceive and I can't wait. Did I mention I can't wait to go to this appointment of Friday??
I'm taking the day off of work and hubby and I are embarking on a journey that I hope we are ready for. I know I am. I just hope I don't leave this appointment feeling discouraged or scared.
I will post more after the visit.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
What I did do, however, is make a few phone calls and next week I'm going to see a fertility specialist. I called my insurance company and got all the info I needed from them and now I wait.
Who knows what I'll hear next week. And the following week I have an appointment with my new ob-gyn.
Monday, February 18, 2008
I've been just a little busy lately...sorry to anyone who has missed me, but more importantly sorry to those bloggers who I love to visit with...particularly my blogging buddy who was kind enough to include me in her awesome blog allthingsnew . Thank you thank you!
I can't believe I just typed away like a madman for about 15 minutes and thought everything was good and hit publish post and poof...it was gone. Where did all my typing go?
Oh well, let me try to remember what I wrote...
Ok, my sister's baby shower was a success. I had a very hectic week making chocolates, writing out baby poems, wrapping gifts and decorating.
My best friend had made really great chocolate lollipops for my bridal shower in the shape of an umbrella. She talked me into doing the same for my sister, but only after she vowed to help. It was actually fun and I have to admit that I licked a whole lot of chocolate out of the bowls before they hit the sink.
We made umbrella and rattle lollipops, wrapped them in cute cellophane and used these really cool twist ties that said "It's a Boy!" in blue. Then I had ordered cute stickers with the happy couple kissing and the caption "It all started with a kiss".
I then found a cool poem that I printed out onto parchment paper and rolled into scrolls. Here's the poem...
I'm really glad that you could come
And help surprise my mother
sit down, relax, enjoy yourselves
and chat with one another
Sorry I can't be with you
to join in Mommy's shower
But I'm very busy you see
I'm growing more each hour
Though I'm not there to thank you
for the lovely gifts you've brought
my family is grateful
we appreciate the thought
I'll be arriving shortly
and I'm as happy as can be
so, after I've been home awhile
please come and visit me
Monday, February 11, 2008
I totally relaxed way too much this month. But then again, it wasn't really my fault. I'm supposed to ovulate on the 12th of this month, it's been that way for the last 10 cycles. Sixteen days after the "flo" I ovulate. Then how come on Saturday, which was the 9th, I started feeling a little crampy and decided on the 10th to use my OPK and wouldn't you know, a big ole smiley face was staring right back at me.
I would've totally skipped right over the ovulation day if I didn't decide to check yesterday. I don't even know why I thought I shouldn't have checked, but I was so "relaxed" and wasn't even thinking about it that I thought I was good for a couple more days. If I didn't check, I would've been wondering for the next couple of OPK tests why I didn't ovulate this month.
I don't know how I got so confused. See what happens when you take the advice of others who tell you to put it out of your head and not think about it?
I hope I did everything I had to do though and the outcome is positive. I have to say though, that I am a little less stressed this time around. I just can't figure out why I ovulated early. I'll have to look that one up.
Fingers crossed once again and onward we go for the two week wait...
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Thursday, January 31, 2008
I decided to switch my ob-gyn yesterday, found a new one and requested that my doctors office have my files ready for me to pick up. The decision is in part because of convenience of hospital, should I get pregnant. And the other reason is that I was sort of disappointed with my doctor when I lost the baby in August. She made me feel like I was losing my mind and that I desperately needed psychiatric help and should go back on birth control for a year.
Everybody told me I should've walked out then, but I overlooked her kooky attitude and went back for my annual visit. She did also mention then that I should "still wait".
Well, I found a new doctor, who comes highly recommended and who works out of the hospital I would want to go to. Am I jumping ahead of myself? I don't know, but it's better to be prepared.
Well, my doctor just called to ask what the reason was for the change. I could only say to her that it was a matter of convenience.
Maybe the change will be good. Maybe new advice will be good too.
So here's to finding my way out of this crazy maze of feelings.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
I reorganized my sock drawer and got rid of just about half of them. Then I hit the unmentionables. Right before the wedding a year and a half ago, I lost alot of weight. Mostly due to stress and nerves. I guess I went out and bought out most of Vi*torias S#cret and they definitely don't fit. I got rid of alot of those too.
I won't feel completely better until I clear up the little things left all over the room and then comes the task of getting everything to the truck. Hubby won't be home till late or else I would wait for him.
I guess I got something done today that kept my mind off of other things.
By Marion Cohen
Monday, January 28, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
Well, I jumped ahead of myself today and woke up extra early to walk the dog. I tried to talk myself out of testing today only to ignore what I promised I wouldn't do. So I grabbed the HPT and snuck into the bathroom all quiet. Of course trying to open a brand new box of tests and then tearing the wrapper wasn't so quiet.
Did what I had to do with the test and then took a stroll around the house, said a prayer, begged and promised all kinds of things and then slowly took the walk back to the bathroom to check the results. Hourglass still blinking...let me brush my teeth...don't look down 'cause it's probably still blinking. Oh forget it, let me look down. And there was that three letter word that I have come to despise. NOT...pregnant.
How could that be? I know I was doing everything I should, taking my temperature, OPK... What's the problem? I'm four days away from when I should get my period. Did I check too soon? I don't know. All I do know is that it was the biggest let down. I'm so frustrated and I should've known anyway. I've been poking at my boobs...nothing. I think that was the biggest sign for me the last time I got pregnant. My boobs really hurt then. But even then I didn't think I was.
I feel like I studied so much for a test and was so prepared, only to fail. I wasn't even gonna tell my hubby until I checked again in two days, but he's so good and he totally knows me. He knew something was wrong and then I just broke down and started crying. I vented about all the young girls I see walking around pregnant, smoking cigarettes. I vented about a woman we know who is pregnant and every time I see her I swear she does nothing but tell anyone who will listen how annoyed she is that she's pregnant. Slap!
I know that I should just let go a little and put it in God's hands. Everyone always tells me "If it's meant to be, it will happen". Sometimes that makes me mad too. I guess when you're disappointed there is no amount of words that can make sense.
I don't mean to vent so much, I'm just drained. I can't even imagine what all the women out there go through with IVF. My prayers go out to all of you.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Not much new has been going on other than trying not to over analyze every little thing I'm feeling. Last week there were a few days when I was kinda crampy and I was hoping that it was what I thought it was...implantation. But, then the last two days I've been crampy again.
Usually I always get cramps the week before my period and sometimes they go away until the moment it arrives. So really, these cramps would be the cramps I usually get. Then what was last week?
I have my HPT's waiting ever so patiently in the box right next to my bed. I just hope I can wait until Saturday.
I've been busy with the plans for my sister's shower, which is next month. She's due two weeks after I would've been due... :(
And then to top it all off, I received another invite for a shower the week after my sister's. She's due the week after my sister. I thought I wouldn't be able to handle people having babies around the time that I would've but I guess that it's true that time heals and makes things a little easier.
I hope I'm still feeling this way on Saturday if the results are negative. I should be getting my period the 29th. Maybe I should wait until Sunday? We'll see.
Monday, January 21, 2008
OK, so I'm hoping to not jump ahead of myself and test before Saturday. I should be expecting Aunt Flo on the 29th, but I'm hoping she has something better to do for the next nine months than visit me. I have used the digital home PG tests before and they say you can use them up to five days before a missed period. 5 days would be Thursday, but I will force myself to wait until Saturday. I figure that would be most accurate. Fingers crossed...
Thursday, January 17, 2008
And so starts the waiting game. It's been about 4 days since ovulation, so I'm trying hard every minute of the day to stop calculating things in my head. I go to different websites and each of them tells me what day implantation will occur (that is if it will occur) and what's the earliest I will be able to do a home pregnancy test. According to one website, implantation will happen probably around Sunday.
Now I'm sure I'll be spending all day Sunday looking for signs. How could you not have this on your mind 24 hours a day. So many people have told me to put it out of my head, but you can't. I mean let's be for real, if you don't constantly think about it, you won't be trying on the right days.
That's all fine and dandy for someone who hasn't miscarried a few times. But the last couple of months I have had two positive pregnancy tests, only to get my period the exact day I would've gotten it according to my schedule. At first I thought maybe I bought the bad batch of home pregnancy tests.
I have to say though that I'm not feeling as though I'll lose it if I'm not pregnant this time. Maybe because I just have this feeling that I really am. I think this is my year. I think it will happen.
Cross your fingers and toes for me.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Well, other than telling me that she thought I should seek psychiatric help and go back on birth control for a year, she didn't know what else to say. I didn't seek help, I knew I would eventually feel a little better, but like all losses it takes some time. But I certainly didn't want to go back on birth control and not for a year!
She saw a smile on my face today and decided that I am "emerging". I guess I am. This is a new year and I am definitely feeling optimistic. Oh yeah, and she did make sure to throw in that I should wait a few more months before trying again. Too bad I've been trying for a while now anyway...no luck...but I'm still trying.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
I'm sticking to my OPK and trying to put the rest out of my head.
I'm hoping to put a different spin on this blog very soon. If I had started it a year ago, it would've been a very upsetting blog for me. Now that I got the hard year out of the way, I'm just hoping that my body is ready and willing to cooperate.
Also, I'm very excited about some of my reality shows starting up again...Big.Brother for one. I am so addicted to that show and now it's on more than just in the summer.
I'm thinking about that fertility monitor. Has anybody used that? I might buy it tomorrow.
Monday, January 7, 2008
My DH was laying right next to me and I contemplated for about a minute or so not even telling him. But who are we kidding, I need emotional support and I can't pretend something like that is not a big deal. I said "honey" three or four times and then thought...maybe I can't speak. Maybe I thought I said something. He finally heard me and realized that I had a shocked look on my face. I asked him to feel the lump and tell me that I was just hallucinating. But he didn't...tell me that I was hallucinating. He just said "go get it checked out and don't get upset until you know what it is". It almost sounded like an order and I would've gotten mad but then he grabbed me and started hugging me. That made it worse because I just felt like he knew something I didn't and I just felt like DAMN! I just thought I had the worst year of my life and trying to get pregnant was enough stress. I can't add this to it!!! This is unfair.
I probably spent the next three or four days doing the "woe is me" bit, in my head, out loud. It didn't matter. My DH was the only one I said anything to and I wouldn't tell anyone until I went to the doctor. But I sort of procrastinated and did what I hate most. I made excuses up for why I couldn't see the doctor two days in a row. Once again, DH let me know that my health was more important than anything and I had already self-diagnosed and was acting like I had a death sentence. I must be a drama queen because I thought about how much I hate when my dad does that. Every pain, every ache, everything is a death sentence and now he's learned how to G.oogle and he's learning all kinds of things about every illness he thinks he has.
Anyway, I went in to see my doctor and she immediately checked out the situation and very quickly, almost too quickly, made an appointment for me to get a mammogram and ultrasound. And when I say too quick, I mean she made the appointment for me for the next half hour. Well, that made me think that she knew something she wasn't telling me either. The 15 minute drive felt like the longest 15 minutes ever. But damn, once I got there everything happened one two three. Mammogram, ultrasound, one nurse, a second nurse and then the doctor checked my slides, gave me a check-up and told me it was just a cyst. If it didn't bother me, we would just leave it alone.
Talk about breathing a sigh of relief. I had already envisioned myself going through chemo and never having a baby. I'm just thankful that I'm ok and now I can go back to the business of TTC.
Couple of more days and I should be ovulating. Then starts the dreaded two week wait. But I am a lot more optimistic and grateful and I thank God that it was only a cyst. Bring on the two week wait!!! I'm ready!!
Friday, January 4, 2008
Now for the past four months I have been trying. I have been living life two weeks at a time, and two weeks is just too much. It comes and goes easy enough. Like when my time of the month is over I have this great anticipation and hope waiting for that smiley face to show up on my OPK. And then comes that two week period of time when I'm constantly analyzing every little feeling in my stomach, wondering if my breasts are feeling sore or tender, wondering if there's some implantation going on. I can never wait until just about 4 or 5 days until I'm supposed to get my period. I wake up and run to the bathroom with that digital home pregnancy test waiting impatiently to see only ONE word. And then that horrible three letter word pops up right in front of pregnant...NOT! How can I hate such a little word so much? But then I think that I just took the test too early...so I am not so dissapointed. There's always tomorrow. And tomorrow comes and I'm talking myself out of taking another test too soon. So I wait just one more day. And there's that three letter word again...NOT. But of course I probably just miscalculated the number of days until I'm supposed to get my period. Yeah right. I have it down to a science and I know when I'm getting it and I know that the test is right. Who am I kidding. And I do this over and over again.
I was starting to lose hope. Christmas was not as special as it could've been. I mean I would've been 6 months pregnant. I would've been due in March. And now I'm begging a pee stick to not make me mad and just tell me what I want to hear. But I guess that 2007 was just not my year. It was an odd year and after all I like even numbers. So 2008 has just started and I can't help but be convinced that this is my year. I know it's gonna happen and I'm not losing faith. Oh yeah, but there's also that dreaded lump I found five days ago. What a way to kick me when I'm down. But thankfully it turned out to be a cyst. I'll touch more on that in my next post. This was a long time coming...I mean me actually sitting down and starting this blog. So stay tuned...it should get interesting.