Thank You

I just wanted to post and say thanks to the many who stopped by to offer support. It was a pretty rough weekend, lots of hating the world and feeling like I was losing faith. I really felt like I couldn't even count any more the many times over and over that I had a negative result on a home pregnancy test, the many times I got my period when I was so sure that I was pregnant, and the many miscarriages. I'm feeling a little better right now, still sad and trying not to feel hopeless.
My husband is being really supportive, but there are even times when he just can't say the right thing either. I'm trying not to take it out on him, it's so easy to do that.
I'm trying to catch up on all of your blogs as well. It's been kinda hard to focus right now and stay positive.

But again, thanks for all of the kind words.

Sad, sad, sad...

I don't have much to say today. I waited to write, instead of posting my Beta results on Monday, because my levels were low - 24 - and this morning I went in for my second blood test. I was so hoping for my levels to have doubled, because for some reason I knew that the number was low and that the nurse who called to give me the results didn't sound very optimistic.
As soon as my phone rang today and it was my doctor and not some nurse calling with results, I knew right away that it was bad news.
He said my numbers went down and they consider it a chemical pregnancy. I mean I was hoping for both the embryos to make it and I was so thrilled at the prospect of twins. But to get a call that neither one made it...too much.
I am so devastated right now. I went through so many months of trying on my own, only to be let down month after month after month.
When I started this whole IVF process in March, I don't think I've ever been so optimistic. But I kinda thought something was wrong on Monday. I had the kind of cramps you get right before you get your period. I spent the whole morning and early afternoon trying to ignore them while I waited for my beta results.
The doctor said the good news was that I did get pregnant and that I have 3 frozen embryos. I'll just have to wait one cycle and we will transfer again.
I'm trying to sound ok right now, but I just want to cry. I came home from work early and I getting into bed right now to watch some tv and hopefully fall asleep.
Thanks for all the wishes of luck from everyone. I guess let's pray for part 2...

Waiting once again...

So, here we are once again...waiting.
Friday...the 13th was my transfer date. They transferred back 2. It went well and I'm happy to say that the dull pain I had all week from the retrieval seemed to almost disappear right after the transfer. Of course as I lay in the recovery room I was remembering a few of the last episodes of The*Office that I had just watched and I was laughing hysterically while I was waiting for my husband to be brought in. Don't ask me why this is what I was thinking about.
I spent the rest of the day relaxing and took it easy the rest of the weekend.
I go in on Wednesday and Friday for bloodwork and Monday is my PG test.
I'm trying not to think too much about it and I'm really trying hard not to wonder if I'm feeling any symptoms.
Fingers crossed!

Retrieval Update

OK, so here's the retrieval update...

• 14 oocytes from yesterday's retrieval
• 2 immature
• 12 mature
• 11 fertilized

I'm so excited, shocked, nervous...

I can't put it into words. I start my progesterone injection tonight and now comes the daily wait to see the progress. Wednesday there will be a biopsy and then the genetic testing. My transfer day is this Friday...the 13th. I'm so not superstitious, in fact I like the number thirteen so I'm very optimistic!!!

Delayed Update

Hello all! Sorry for the absence once again. I'm happy to report that my Lupron and Follistim injections have been going well. I had a few days of painful injections and some bleeding but I don't know why because the rest have been just fine. I still can't do them myself, and my DH has been fantastic about doing them every night.
I have been going for my daily monitoring for the last week now. I'm up at 5:30am every morning to be there bright and early for bloodwork and ultrasounds. My arms, or pin cushions as I like to call them, are all bruised up. It's hard to cover them on the days when it is really hot but so far I have been getting away with a light sweater. They really look crappy.
My doctor told me today that it looks like a Sunday retrieval. Which means I would do my trigger shot tomorrow night. It's crazy how fast it all is happening. When this whole process started I felt like it would take forever. I didn't even think I could do the shots, but I'm a pro. At least with the little needles. I have been staring at my trigger shot needle and it looks huge. I hope it doesn't hurt...
I am so nervously excited!!!

Not so bad...

I'm happy to report that the injections are not so bad. The first one didn't hurt at all, in fact I didn't even feel it and I thought my husband was playing a trick on me. Of course I almost passed out right before he did it, and that was only after I kept saying "I can't do it, I can't do it". Then I started freaking out because I thought if I can't do these little small needles, how the hell am I going to do the trigger shot or the progesterone shots?

The last few pinched a little more but I think I was squeezing my skin too tight. And in case you're wondering, I haven't given myself the shot yet...my husband has been so good about it. I'm just hoping that he can do all of them for me because I really don't think I can do it myself. He wants me to practice in case he has to work late and I tried to last night but I just couldn't do it.

Maybe knowing that he was right there and would do it for me made me not really try. Now I'm just waiting for my period so that I can go in for a day 3 ultrasound. Blah, that should be fun.

Thanks for all the encouragement out there. I promise to let you guys know if I actually get up enough nerve to do it myself.

Lupron Eve

First off I'd like to apologize for my absence. I have no excuse, I've just been not feeling like myself lately. Couldn't bring myself to blog much. I have to catch up on all my fellow bloggers as well.

I've been waiting for the day to come, when I would officially start this whole IVF thing, and that day is tomorrow. I ovulated on the 8th, so tomorrow night I give myself my first Lupron injection. Up until now, this whole thing has been surreal. I never thought I would be doing this and even after all the appointments and picking up all of my prescriptions, it seemed as if it was gonna happen to someone else.

I started taking a different pre*natal vitamin as well and it makes me feel a little weird. I'm not sure if I'm nauseous or not. I guess that's a good thing.

But I'm so nervous for tomorrow. I've watched a bunch of women on the internet giving themselves their first Lupron injection and everyone seems like it's no big deal.

So it's no big deal for me either. But yes it is. I can't make up my mind. I told my mom today that after tomorrow my life will change and hopefully for the better. This is the beginning of something great. I can just feel it.

I promise not to take so long in between posts!!!

Teach Me

So, tomorrow it's on to my IVF teach class...
I just know that this will be just like math class. I don't like math and I don't like needles, therefore it will go in one ear and out the other.
No, that's bad. I really have to pay attention because it's getting close to the day now. I have a two hour class in the morning and then I wait until May 17th. I hope I don't forget it all by then.
I went for my trial transfer the other day which was a breeze. When the doctor said he was done, I said "with what"? He said "with the trial transfer". I thought he was kidding but he was serious.
I guess after all the crappy stuff I went through in the past couple of weeks this seemed like nothing. Just a little bit of cramping afterwards.
I'm counting down the days, I can't believe it will already be May on Thursday.

Waiting Room

I really feel like I've been in the eternal waiting room lately. Not much has happened since my last post other than a lovely morning last week spent giving blood. I had to give 16 vials of blood. They had a whole list of tests that they needed blood for. DH only had 3 vials.

And I totally jinxed myself because I told him that after the pain I felt with the IV in my hand, this would be a piece of cake.

Well, my veins didn't think so. After the first 9 vials it seems as though my vein didn't feel like giving any more blood. So the nurse, who is really cool so I won't say anything bad, decides to move the needle around in my arm at which point I tried real hard to just go to a happy place and hope that it would all be over soon. That was a weird feeling.

Of course that didn't help so she lets me know that she has to try the other arm. No problem I say, how much worse can it get? So the next few vials of blood are just flowing smoothly until the last vial. Again, she says that no more blood is coming out. Really? Cause I thought the fact that I had now turned bright white would be an indication that there is no more blood. But I guess moving the needle around some more can find blood. Oh and that feels lovely, if you haven't tried it, next time you go to give blood, just ask the nurse to shift it around a little.

Well, she ties the tourniquet thing around my arm and she's almost trying to push blood out of me. I was OK, up until this point. I wasn't thinking about the fact that, like an idiot, I had eaten NO BREAKFAST, and that I would probably not be able to walk after this. She finally got the last vial and I was done. DH was up next.

I got up, walked to the waiting room and then the cold sweats started, followed by the weird loss of vision. You know, right when you are about to pass out. Except I wasn't passing out. Just getting real close to that point and then the reality of the needles and blood and everything kept hitting me. I didn't know if I was going to throw up or pass out. But I made it to the bathroom. It was so nice of them to carpet the floor too, because that's where I plopped myself down and went in and out of those nausea waves.

When I finally got up, I made it to the waiting room where my husband was already done, and I thought that I would be able to leave. We made it into the hallway and then I just sat down on the floor. I just felt the room spinning and had to go back inside for a better seat. They brought me something to drink, which they probably should have done before, and then made me lie down and they took my blood pressure. I had to wait there for about 20 minutes to get back to normal.

That was a week ago and I still have black and blue marks on my arms.

Tomorrow I go back for my two week visit after the hysteroscopy and my sounding. I'm not quite sure what the sounding will be. I'll report more tomorrow.

All this stuff is keeping me busy, but I really feel like this is taking forever. I've been waiting my whole life for this to happen. I'm getting a little impatient. But, you can't rush the schedule so I have to stop complaining.... :)

My Aching Mouth

That's sort of what I look like today. The only thing missing is the bow tie. I had a cavity refilled today. Went for a cleaning two weeks ago and the dentist didn't like the looks of the filling. I have been seeing needles so much lately, I didn't even flinch when he gave me the Novocaine.



Actually, the only part that hurt was when he started moving the needle around in a circular motion...damn I just realized that he did that and I'm in pain all over again. I was just able to eat my turkey and cranberry wrap that I bought after the appointment but wasn't able to eat because my mouth was so numb. Now my jaw is just sore, but other than that I have a nice new filling!



Getting back to the last two weeks...



I went for my pre-op blood work and paperwork on the 4th of April. Hubby was feeling sick and so I went to the appointment by myself. He didn't need to be there, I'm a big girl and I can do these things all alone, but he's just so good about always being there for me. I love him.

But he really was sick and since we were going to be flying the next morning, I left him on the couch to rest and get better. I filled out a ton of forms, got a prescription for pain meds and then headed to another part of the hospital for more paperwork and blood tests. While I was there the woman printed a sheet with about three wristbands on it with my name and info. She peels one off and then starts to put it on my wrist. I pulled my wrist back because I thought that she thought that I was having my hysteroscopy that day.

She was like "no, I know you're not having it today" and starts to put it on again. I pull back again and explained to her that I was going on vacation in the morning and there was no way I was keeping a hospital band on my wrist until the 10th. The woman thought I was nuts. And I don't know why I thought that I would have to keep it on either. She just explained that the nurse that would draw the blood would have to make sure that my info matched her forms. OK, so I'm a little out of it.

I was just there for about two hours already and all I could think about was the fact that I hadn't packed for my trip yet. I always wait till the last minute.

Anyway, I finished everything and was told that the would call me the day before the hysteroscopy to let me know what time I would have to be in.

Great, so now I'm leaving for Vegas the next morning and the day before I come home they give me a three hour window of when they will call to give me that info, and I am praying that I get the message because I might be on flight back home at the same time. Lucky for me, they called while I was in the cab heading to the airport.

So, Vegas was ok. Maybe I'm weird for not thinking it was so great, but it was physically exhausting. The time difference, the plane ride, staying up till about 6am the first night we get there...all took it's toll. I was able to take a quick nap but I just felt like crap the rest of the trip.

We saw E.lton J.ohn and C.irque de S.oleil though which were both FANTASTIC!!

I have to say though that I had a pretty crappy appetite and couldn't get a good night's rest the whole time. And the day before I came home I thought I would get a massage where they use these hot rocks. It was ok. I'm not writing home about it, just blogging. I didn't want one of those deep tissue massages because I had one before and I thought the woman was gonna rip my skin off and crack a few ribs while she was at it.

We didn't get home until about 1am and I had to be at the hospital at 9:30am. I barely got any sleep because now I was starting to get nervous. That same feeling I felt when I was young and I had to take a big test at school. Except this time, no studying, just poking and prodding. At least I wouldn't be awake for it.

The worst part of the whole experience...THE IV IN MY HAND!!!

I can still relive the pain. It was horrible. There were two nurses too. The younger one said "nurse so and so will be right here just in case I have a problem getting the needle in". Well, I wasn't looking but if I was I probably would've seen the two of them blindfolded with a hacksaw in their hands. It felt like they were stabbing my hand and had no clue what they were doing. I'm so surprised that I didn't scream.

I was so freaked out by the pain. I've never felt pain like that. My father has told me some horror stories of a nurse trying to get the IV in, and now I can relate.

I had to sit there with the IV for about an hour before they took me to the operating room. Which, by the way, was so huge and intimidating when I first went in. It was like nothing I've ever seen. And there were about 8 people in the room all waiting to do their job. One was going to put these long leg warmer type things on my legs, the other was going to adjust my IV, the other was going to put that mask thing on my face, and I don't know what everyone else was doing. All I know is that when my doctor came in, I almost didn't recognize him. He was in scrubs and a hair net and I had to really look at him. It was so weird to see him in that setting. But I guess I'll have to get used to that.

Once they put the mask on my face and told me to start breathing deeply, the last thing I remember was the woman behind me asking if I was starting to feel sleepy. I remember saying no and praying that they heard me and wouldn't start until I was completely out.

Next thing I know, I'm in recovery 1. This is where you go until you wake up and then they move you to recovery 2. That's where my husband would be waiting. I woke with that feeling of "where the hell am I?". They gave me something for the pain, and then after forever laying there, wheeled me in to the next recovery. It was great to see my husband waiting there. But that was short lived because I had to go to the bathroom so bad. They had someone wheel my to a bathroom and adjust my IV so I could go.

Then back to the bed where they asked if I was hungry. I was starving and devoured a turkey sandwich they brought me like I hadn't eaten in years. My husband was in a state of shock watching me. Not only does he hate turkey sandwiches, but he hates hospital food. Who really loves it? But let me tell you, I was so hungry and it tasted really good.

Wow, now my hands hurt from this frantic typing I'm doing. Let me take a moment and try to make this long story short.

Surprisingly my hand wasn't bruised at all from the IV like I thought it would be. But it was obvious that they had poked two holes. It felt more like 10. I was able to rest and recuperate from my trip and the hysteroscopy. Luckily, my doctor said everything was fine.

So now, I go for blood work again on Thursday morning and then I have to schedule an IVF teach class. I've really been blocking out the whole injection thing and I've been ok with it, but as it gets closer, I'm getting a little nervous.

Now hopefully I get my period on time and I will start meds on the 17th of May. I'm trying to keep my thoughts positive and trying really hard to stay stress free.

To all my fellow bloggers out there I am catching up on all your blogs...fingers crossed for everyone!

Still here...

Just a quick note today to let everyone know that I'm still here. I was on vacation for a week with no computer, and then had my hysteroscopy the day after I came back. I'm running out now but I will try and post later and let you know how the procedure went. So far so good!

Sorry that I haven't caught up on blogs in about a week and a half...life is crazy without a computer!

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

My wonderful SIL sent me this awesome D.illon R.ogers leather bracelet! She's awesome and always knows the right thing to say and when the inspiration meter is running low...she fills it up. There's never a time when I need her advice and she's not just a phone call away to give it. I wish she lived closer but she's in my heart and that's close enough so that I don't miss her too much. It doesn't matter what she's going through, she always has time to listen...there's not too many out there like her....love you D!

Dark Clouds

I just had one of those days today. I can't explain it. Like everything is just all wrong, and I know it's not. Every day is one step closer, but some days I just feel out of touch with reality. There's so much excitement about my sister's baby and everyone is calling to ask me questions, and I have to answer in such a positive way and it's so hard. If I'm not really excited about it, then I know in their heads, people are thinking "she must be jealous". Those are the people that do not know what I have gone through this past year. And the ones who normally would ask questions, have nothing to say and kind of look at me all sad.

Even my dad patted me on the head when I was holding my nephew, almost as if he was so sad for me. It really caught me off guard and when I turned to look at him, he had a look on his face like "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pat you on the head" and I just know that inside he was just so sad for me.

Now normally, I have parents who love that dark cloud just lingering right above their heads. And nothing makes me more crazy. Especially because I see them on a daily basis. So now they are just ecstatic and all they do is talk about the baby and I find myself fighting tears. I should be happy that gloom and doom isn't the focus and they are actually happy but inside I'm screaming at them to just stop. I can't let them know how upsetting it is to me to constantly hear them on the phone bragging about their first grandchild and how long they have waited. It is their right to be happy and they aren't trying to be mean to me, but they sort of forget sometimes that maybe it bothers me. Like I said, I can't complain out loud. It does me no good.

I'm trying...I really am.

Inching Along

Consent forms signed, cheeks swabbed, envelopes sealed and sent off. We're slowly inching along. Oh yeah, Aunt Flo has visited... This is the first time in a long time that I haven't been in tears because of it. It's been such a relief to not have to worry about ovulation, and temperature and perfect timing. I didn't have a two week wait. Although I now feel like I have a 7 1/2 week wait until anything really happens.

Tomorrow I make my first payment to the Genetic lab. I am so happy to have people who know what they are doing taking over.

I have my dentist appointment scheduled for next week, and then on Friday I have some pre-op stuff to take care of.

Then hubby and I are off for a mini vacation...so excited. But the day after we get back, I go for the hysteroscopy. I don't think we'll vacation again until after the retrieval and transfer. Hopefully then we can go on a happy vacation with something awesome to look forward to.

Cheeky

Time to swab the cheeks. I received my packet of consent forms, information, cheek swab kits, and payment amounts. In preparation for the P*G*D testing, DH and I had to give blood. They also requested cheek swab samples from our parents to create a family history report. It just clarifies things for them, so we will do what we have to do.

This set-up has an out-of-pocket price tag of $4000. They also give us the option to do an aneuploidy screening test which tests for some of the more common chromosomal problems such as Down Syndrome, trisomy 13 and trisomy 18, and chromosomes X and Y. The accuracy of this test is 90%. I don't know if I mentioned before but the P*G*D testing is 95-98% accurate, which would mean a CVS test at 10 weeks as well. The additional cost for the aneuploidy test is $2000.

Once the lab has gathered all of this information, they are ready for testing. That will occur after egg retrieval and on day 5 (five days after egg retrieval), the results will be ready. This will be on the morning of the transfer. This will cost $3000. Insurance does not cover these costs.

All of this will be nothing but a memory once I'm holding my own baby in my arms. I can't even be stressed about these fees right now. It just means nothing to me.

Only 52 days (I hope) until I start my injections. It seems like forever.

It's a Boy!

So He's here. He was born Wednesday the 19th of March and he's so handsome. It was a long labor, the little guy just didn't want to position himself properly. I spent the whole day at the hospital with my mom, my sister and my brother.

I really thought I would be more upset than happy, as crazy as that sounds, but I was OK. I couldn't let my emotions get the best of me. I have to just be happy for my sister.

But damn, my baby would've been a week and a half old right now.

The hardest thing right now is everyone calling me to congratulate me on becoming an aunt finally. And all I wish for is for people congratulating me on becoming a mother.

I'm not trying to rush my IVF injections, but I almost want to feel that pain right now to remind me that I am on the right track to having my own. Right now I feel like I'm waiting and waiting and in the meantime, babies are being born, other women are getting pregnant and I'm in limbo.

I need some fudge. It probably won't make me feel any better, but I got a great piece of it from my very best friend and I should have some now. So off I go to enjoy putting on some unnecessary weight. I probably should try and lose some since the stress of IVF might pack on a few more pounds...so I've heard.

Diet starts Monday!

Switch...again

Had my new ob-gyn appointment today and it was very disappointing. I just didn't get a warm fuzzy feeling when I walked in the door. I didn't get the warm fuzzies in the waiting room, and I sure as hell did not get them when I went into the exam room.

I don't know, it just was a weird setup, and the exam table/chair was something I've never seen before. It looked old and outdated. It was literally a chair with a high back, and then I guess it folds down for the exam. But it just was weird. I just didn't get a comfortable feeling. I felt like there is way too much technology out there for this office to look so 1970's.

I literally sat there for about 15 minutes waiting for the doctor thinking that it just wasn't right for me. I couldn't see myself coming there often, say if I got pregnant. I couldn't see my DH feeling at all comfortable.

So I quickly got up, told the girls at the front desk that I was having stomach issues (which isn't a lie-I really felt sick to my stomach), and I left very quickly.

I called my friend and asked her when the last time she had gone to that office and she said it was over 10 years. I don't think much has changed in there since then.

No worries though. I wrote a few quick emails to my chiropractor who had told me she would recommend a great ob-gyn, and I even sent a quick email to my genetic counselor who will be getting back to me tomorrow.

Was that bad of me? To get up and leave like that? I guess maybe I wasted their time a little bit, but there were about three other women sitting in those horrible looking chairs waiting for their exam. So I guess I just cut their wait time a little.

I think the girls at the front desk were a little annoyed, but hey, it's my body and I have to be comfortable. Update your damn office. Sorry.

I have to schedule my IVF Teach class closer to when I will start injections, which is May 17th. So I don't have to worry about that just yet.

But first...(anybody a fan of Big Brother? if so then you understood the bold writing)

My sister seems to be in labor...it started this morning. The mucus plug went and she's been having some pain today. Her midwife told her she needs to relax her body and not sit around all day stressing if she's going into labor. She told her to try and take a nap. Sounds easy, but she's had a bad cold lately and she's just ready to give birth now.

I'm just waiting for the phone to ring now. I 'll keep you posted.........

Not much new...

There's not much new to report today. I will finally see my new ob-gyn tomorrow. I'm sure I will like her. She comes highly recommended and I also found out that my best friend used to have her as her ob-gyn years ago before she moved further away. I guess that's a good sign.

I won't have to start my IVF injections until exactly two months from today. I loved how they pulled out a calendar and with the information they got from me, they just gave me a rundown of how the next couple of months will go.

My counselor even told me not to worry about memorizing the calendar and everything I have to do because she'll be letting me know every step of the way. Well, I have pretty much memorized it and I can just tell anyone off the top of my head what I have to do.

My DH can't believe that I've memorized the whole calendar. He doesn't realize that it's all I think about all day long. I am constantly updating my calendar and keeping track of every little detail. I don't know, maybe I've got too much time on my hands until the real important stuff begins.

Now that I've gotten the ball rolling with this, I want it to happen now! I am so damn impatient.

On another note, my sister is due in about 6 days. I know she's gonna be a great mom, I just can't believe that it is so close now. It seems like forever that she's been pregnant.

I'll let you know how my new ob-gyn is tomorrow.

Change

Seems like I'll be changing my ob*gyn again. Actually what happened was...yesterday I had an appointment with a new ob*gyn, one who would be affiliated with a hospital closer to where I live. I waited a month and a half for this appointment only to find out that the doctor would only be at his current office for two more weeks and then would be moving.

It's a good thing I checked with the new place because I found out that he wouldn't be accepting my insurance.

That's ok though, because I had a second ob-gyn on standby. She came highly recommended and as it turns out my best friend used to go to her before she moved further away. I really did want to her instead but since I had made the other appointment first I thought I'd just stay with my first choice. I was sort of skeptical about having a male ob, only because I happen to be more comfortable with female doctors.

I thought I would have to wait forever for an appointment, but I was able to get one for Monday.

So we'll see. There's been lots of change for me this year, from doctors to a whole new outlook on this baby making process.

Step One

Step One...
I guess this can apply to me too. We had to have bloodwork done today for step one of the genetic testing.
Because hubby has a rare form of Thal.assemia, they need to analyze his blood as well as mine, and this will help when they do the P*G*D* test later on. We're taking baby steps...to real baby steps!!

Knitting Needles

These are not exactly the needles I will be using, but aren't these just so much cuter? Just like knitting needles are used to create something beautiful from the heart, so are my injection needles going to be used to help create a beautiful life.


I'm trying to keep a positive outlook about this even though I am scared to death about doing this.


I found a blog, IVFshootemup , which is informative in a way, and then kinda scary too. But I watched a few videos and I feel like these women didn't look like they couldn't handle it. I was waiting for a few of them to scream or make faces because of the pain. But they just did what they had to do and that was that.

And I can assure you...that will be me too! I can do this.

Needles and Bloodwork and Meds...Oh My!

The day was long...

My appointment was at 12 and I was told to come in about 15 minutes earlier to do paperwork. We got there about 40 minutes early and we still ended up waiting more than an hour before we were called. Back and forth we went, from the doctor, to the nurse, to the counselor and to the billing. We were there for about 3 1/2 hours.

Here it is in a nutshell...

• We both have to go back for some more blood work (we both are carriers of Thal.assemia trait-extra testing after IVF)
• Hubby needs semen analysis
• Scheduled a hysteroscopy for the beginning of April (if the hysteroscopy doesn't throw my cycle off schedule I will start IVF meds by the end of May)
• Need to schedule an IVF teach class

There's a million more details that I'm forgetting right now but only because it was so overwhelming. The counselor told me that I shouldn't try to memorize everything I have to do yet. I should only worry about coming in for blood work and my hysteroscopy. The whole schedule could change but that is what I'm looking at for now.

Because of our genetic problem (thal.assemia), we need to make sure that we do an extra test to make sure the baby would only be a carrier of the trait. And because of this, IVF would be the quickest way for us to get better results because there is a 25% chance of the baby getting the disease (cooleys.anemia) and not just being a carrier of the trait.

So much to think about.

I did bring in my desk calendar so that I could write in all of my appointments and the doctor thought it was really funny. He said he had never seen anyone bring in such a big calendar. I told him I need to be prepared and I hoped that it would be big enough to write in all the crazy things that I would have to keep track of.

I guess I am somewhat prepared. I'm just nervous about these injections. I don't think it'll ever get easy. I dread the sight of them.

Well, my Net*flix movies are waiting for me in the living room. I have three to choose from. I'm gonna organize my paperwork and relax on the couch. It's raining and cold out and hubby is working late.

Book Ban

I spent the morning reading from my book, the one that describes in great detail every step I'll have to take if I do IVF. It started out ok. I read about insurance coverage, which I'm not too worried about. Then I got to the prescription part and thought about how I didn't discuss that part with my insurance carrier. We talked about the IVF coverage, but they let me know that the medications will be handled by a separate part of the insurance.

So, I'm trying not to think about that until I make the call.

Then I started reading about all the testing and then I got to the part about the injections. I know that I have mentioned before about how I am not a big fan of needles. Well, I had to put the book down, and then I had to bury it deep into the bottom of my huge pocketbook.

I started getting a panicky feeling in my chest and I don't want to have a panic attack before tomorrow. It's good to know what I'm in for, but I will end up freaking out about it in the doctor's office and I don't want to do that.

I won't have any problem taking time off of work, because from what I'm reading, I will need it. I did go out and buy a nice new desk calendar so that I can keep track of everything, but I think I didn't buy the right one. I think I'll need a whole page for each day and not just half.

Maybe I'll buy a nice journal too, because I'm gonna have to start keeping track of all the insurance paperwork and medications.

Maybe I'm also jumping ahead of myself. I really should wait until I go to the doctor tomorrow and then speak with the counselor.

OK, I'll stop now and I'll leave the book in my pocketbook. I have the questions I need to ask so I won't overload my brain right now. It's jumbled enough as it is.

PS. tomorrow would've been my due date. :(

Anticipation

Two more days until I see the specialist. It looks like I will probably be heading down the IVF road. I never thought I'd say this but I'm strangely excited about the whole thing. I almost feel like some sort of weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I'm putting the hard work in the hands of people who do know what they are doing.

I've been feeling like maybe I'm just doing something wrong. Every month that has gone by with negative results has been such a let down. I know that if I start the IVF I have so much more to think about on a daily basis, but I really feel like I'm not alone in this now.

When I was a little girl I always thought that I would have one baby after another. Coming from a family of five kids I couldn't see myself only having one. Now I pray for at least one. It feels like it's so out of my reach.

I don't know what to expect on Friday but I can't wait. I just want someone to tell me it will happen. It can happen, it's gonna happen.

I've been doing a lot of reading and I know that I will have to become friends with the needle. The needle and I aren't really close. In fact it was only recently that I found myself relaxing enough to give blood without practically fainting. I will do whatever I have to do to conceive and I can't wait. Did I mention I can't wait to go to this appointment of Friday??

I'm taking the day off of work and hubby and I are embarking on a journey that I hope we are ready for. I know I am. I just hope I don't leave this appointment feeling discouraged or scared.

I will post more after the visit.

Leap Year

Great Book

I was told by my chiropractor to get this book and use it as a reference, encyclopedia, dictionary and bible. She was right. Just starting on this path, I have to say that I am already loving the book. It's got answers to every question and she really tells you what to expect. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has to deal with infertility or is just not sure if they are headed that way. I never thought I would be heading down this road, but here I am and it's great to know that this book can help answer some questions before I even start.

One More Negative

One more negative to add to my ever growing list. I took another pregnancy test this morning and it was a NO. I don't get it.

What I did do, however, is make a few phone calls and next week I'm going to see a fertility specialist. I called my insurance company and got all the info I needed from them and now I wait.

Who knows what I'll hear next week. And the following week I have an appointment with my new ob-gyn.

Showers of Happiness!

I've been just a little busy lately...sorry to anyone who has missed me, but more importantly sorry to those bloggers who I love to visit with...particularly my blogging buddy who was kind enough to include me in her awesome blog allthingsnew . Thank you thank you!

I can't believe I just typed away like a madman for about 15 minutes and thought everything was good and hit publish post and poof...it was gone. Where did all my typing go?



Oh well, let me try to remember what I wrote...



Ok, my sister's baby shower was a success. I had a very hectic week making chocolates, writing out baby poems, wrapping gifts and decorating.



My best friend had made really great chocolate lollipops for my bridal shower in the shape of an umbrella. She talked me into doing the same for my sister, but only after she vowed to help. It was actually fun and I have to admit that I licked a whole lot of chocolate out of the bowls before they hit the sink.



We made umbrella and rattle lollipops, wrapped them in cute cellophane and used these really cool twist ties that said "It's a Boy!" in blue. Then I had ordered cute stickers with the happy couple kissing and the caption "It all started with a kiss".



I then found a cool poem that I printed out onto parchment paper and rolled into scrolls. Here's the poem...


I'm really glad that you could come
And help surprise my mother
sit down, relax, enjoy yourselves
and chat with one another
Sorry I can't be with you
to join in Mommy's shower
But I'm very busy you see
I'm growing more each hour
Though I'm not there to thank you
for the lovely gifts you've brought
my family is grateful
we appreciate the thought
I'll be arriving shortly
and I'm as happy as can be
so, after I've been home awhile
please come and visit me

Everyone loved it and many cried. But a bunch of people didn't realize what the scroll was and thought it was a menu. After I spent a long time printing the scrolls, rolling them, cutting ribbon, tying ribbon, curling ribbon...whew...my friend calls to tell me that what I should do is print one for every table and put it in a frame so that everyone can see it right away!!!!!

AHHHH!! You know how long it took? Her idea was better, but then again a bunch of people were happy to have their own copy to take home.

And it made my sister cry.

The day was a success and I have to say, I thought I would be much more upset than I was. I did think about the fact that I would've been having my own shower right around this time and all these cute little gifts would've been going home with me too.

But it was her day, I was truly happy for her and I really can't wait to meet my new nephew.

Too Relaxed

I totally relaxed way too much this month. But then again, it wasn't really my fault. I'm supposed to ovulate on the 12th of this month, it's been that way for the last 10 cycles. Sixteen days after the "flo" I ovulate. Then how come on Saturday, which was the 9th, I started feeling a little crampy and decided on the 10th to use my OPK and wouldn't you know, a big ole smiley face was staring right back at me.

I would've totally skipped right over the ovulation day if I didn't decide to check yesterday. I don't even know why I thought I shouldn't have checked, but I was so "relaxed" and wasn't even thinking about it that I thought I was good for a couple more days. If I didn't check, I would've been wondering for the next couple of OPK tests why I didn't ovulate this month.

I don't know how I got so confused. See what happens when you take the advice of others who tell you to put it out of your head and not think about it?

I hope I did everything I had to do though and the outcome is positive. I have to say though, that I am a little less stressed this time around. I just can't figure out why I ovulated early. I'll have to look that one up.

Fingers crossed once again and onward we go for the two week wait...

Keeping the Faith

I'm definitely feeling a renewed sense of faith. I have to keep the stress levels low and keep my mind off of turning this whole baby making thing into a job. I'm just gonna enjoy every minute of everything that's going on in life right now. At least that's what I hope to do. I have to keep the faith. I have my eye on the goal, and that goal is family. If that's what's in the cards for me, then that's what's gonna happen.

Feeling a little lost...

Today I'm feeling a little lost. I feel like no matter how optimistic I am and how much I look forward to having a baby one day, I still feel like I won't find my way there.

I decided to switch my ob-gyn yesterday, found a new one and requested that my doctors office have my files ready for me to pick up. The decision is in part because of convenience of hospital, should I get pregnant. And the other reason is that I was sort of disappointed with my doctor when I lost the baby in August. She made me feel like I was losing my mind and that I desperately needed psychiatric help and should go back on birth control for a year.

Everybody told me I should've walked out then, but I overlooked her kooky attitude and went back for my annual visit. She did also mention then that I should "still wait".

Well, I found a new doctor, who comes highly recommended and who works out of the hospital I would want to go to. Am I jumping ahead of myself? I don't know, but it's better to be prepared.

Well, my doctor just called to ask what the reason was for the change. I could only say to her that it was a matter of convenience.

Maybe the change will be good. Maybe new advice will be good too.

So here's to finding my way out of this crazy maze of feelings.

Donating

I was feeling a little down today, and somehow got the strength to continue doing what I started...cleaning out closets. I know the old "if you haven't worn it in the past year, throw it out" rule, but I can't seem to get it down pat. I definitely throw out a lot but not as much as I should.

So, yesterday my husband and I brought six bags to the truck to be donated and I have been steadily cleaning out my closet and going through my drawers since I got home from work. I'd say I have another 4 hefty bags full ready to go down to the truck. I feel horrible though because some of the stuff still has tags on it, some are blouses my mom gave me that I know I haven't even worn yet. She asks me from time to time where they are and I always fib and say I usually wear them when she's not around.

It really is therapeutic and I feel so good afterward. But if I had more time I would take everything out of my drawers and reorganize according to...you know, tee shirts, camisoles, sweaters, long sleeve shirts, etc.

I reorganized my sock drawer and got rid of just about half of them. Then I hit the unmentionables. Right before the wedding a year and a half ago, I lost alot of weight. Mostly due to stress and nerves. I guess I went out and bought out most of Vi*torias S#cret and they definitely don't fit. I got rid of alot of those too.

I won't feel completely better until I clear up the little things left all over the room and then comes the task of getting everything to the truck. Hubby won't be home till late or else I would wait for him.

I guess I got something done today that kept my mind off of other things.

Trying to Conceive

First a little poem:

Anything. I'll do anything—temperature charts, tes-tape, litmus paper, abstinenence to maximize sperm count, lying on my back with a pillow under my behind and my legs up like a beetle, Vitamin A, Vitamin E, zinc, manganese. Anything. I'll do anything—But please—oh please—don't ask me to just relax.
By Marion Cohen

And then I'm hoping that if I stare at the picture for a real long time, it'll help me relax!! lol

"Not" Again

As if the first negative on Friday wasn't enough, I decided to waste another HPT just to see those three little letters again. I mean I knew I wasn't pregnant. I felt Not pregnant. So I don't know why I needed to take another test. But I did, and it was negative.

And then this morning I awoke with a visit from Aunt Flo. I really dislike Aunt Flo. I think she knows it too. Now more than ever I am drained of all energy, mentally and physically. I can't believe I have to wait two weeks and start the whole thing over again. The first two weeks are the depressing ones. The last two are hopeful and somewhat happy, but I spend most of that time praying for signs. I hate that it's become such a job, such a scheduled job. It was never supposed to be this way and I never in my life thought it would be.

I saw my sister the other night. She's gotten a lot bigger and she still has 2 more months to go. I tried to keep my mind on other things and just act silly and laugh. I think I made her laugh too much and she almost peed on herself more than once. I really tried not to feel sad myself, but it was kinda hard the next morning waiting for the test results and thinking all the what ifs. What if I can't get pregnant again? What if I never do? What if my biological clock has stopped ticking for whatever reason?

So I decided...What if I stop thinking so negatively and start preparing myself for the next cycle? Sounds like a plan.

Why Not?

Well, I jumped ahead of myself today and woke up extra early to walk the dog. I tried to talk myself out of testing today only to ignore what I promised I wouldn't do. So I grabbed the HPT and snuck into the bathroom all quiet. Of course trying to open a brand new box of tests and then tearing the wrapper wasn't so quiet.

Did what I had to do with the test and then took a stroll around the house, said a prayer, begged and promised all kinds of things and then slowly took the walk back to the bathroom to check the results. Hourglass still blinking...let me brush my teeth...don't look down 'cause it's probably still blinking. Oh forget it, let me look down. And there was that three letter word that I have come to despise. NOT...pregnant.

How could that be? I know I was doing everything I should, taking my temperature, OPK... What's the problem? I'm four days away from when I should get my period. Did I check too soon? I don't know. All I do know is that it was the biggest let down. I'm so frustrated and I should've known anyway. I've been poking at my boobs...nothing. I think that was the biggest sign for me the last time I got pregnant. My boobs really hurt then. But even then I didn't think I was.

I feel like I studied so much for a test and was so prepared, only to fail. I wasn't even gonna tell my hubby until I checked again in two days, but he's so good and he totally knows me. He knew something was wrong and then I just broke down and started crying. I vented about all the young girls I see walking around pregnant, smoking cigarettes. I vented about a woman we know who is pregnant and every time I see her I swear she does nothing but tell anyone who will listen how annoyed she is that she's pregnant. Slap!

I know that I should just let go a little and put it in God's hands. Everyone always tells me "If it's meant to be, it will happen". Sometimes that makes me mad too. I guess when you're disappointed there is no amount of words that can make sense.

I don't mean to vent so much, I'm just drained. I can't even imagine what all the women out there go through with IVF. My prayers go out to all of you.

Patience...

Not much new has been going on other than trying not to over analyze every little thing I'm feeling. Last week there were a few days when I was kinda crampy and I was hoping that it was what I thought it was...implantation. But, then the last two days I've been crampy again.

Usually I always get cramps the week before my period and sometimes they go away until the moment it arrives. So really, these cramps would be the cramps I usually get. Then what was last week?

I have my HPT's waiting ever so patiently in the box right next to my bed. I just hope I can wait until Saturday.

I've been busy with the plans for my sister's shower, which is next month. She's due two weeks after I would've been due... :(

And then to top it all off, I received another invite for a shower the week after my sister's. She's due the week after my sister. I thought I wouldn't be able to handle people having babies around the time that I would've but I guess that it's true that time heals and makes things a little easier.

I hope I'm still feeling this way on Saturday if the results are negative. I should be getting my period the 29th. Maybe I should wait until Sunday? We'll see.

Hope to see this soon...

OK, so I'm hoping to not jump ahead of myself and test before Saturday. I should be expecting Aunt Flo on the 29th, but I'm hoping she has something better to do for the next nine months than visit me. I have used the digital home PG tests before and they say you can use them up to five days before a missed period. 5 days would be Thursday, but I will force myself to wait until Saturday. I figure that would be most accurate. Fingers crossed...

The Waiting Game

And so starts the waiting game. It's been about 4 days since ovulation, so I'm trying hard every minute of the day to stop calculating things in my head. I go to different websites and each of them tells me what day implantation will occur (that is if it will occur) and what's the earliest I will be able to do a home pregnancy test. According to one website, implantation will happen probably around Sunday.

Now I'm sure I'll be spending all day Sunday looking for signs. How could you not have this on your mind 24 hours a day. So many people have told me to put it out of my head, but you can't. I mean let's be for real, if you don't constantly think about it, you won't be trying on the right days.

That's all fine and dandy for someone who hasn't miscarried a few times. But the last couple of months I have had two positive pregnancy tests, only to get my period the exact day I would've gotten it according to my schedule. At first I thought maybe I bought the bad batch of home pregnancy tests.

I have to say though that I'm not feeling as though I'll lose it if I'm not pregnant this time. Maybe because I just have this feeling that I really am. I think this is my year. I think it will happen.

Cross your fingers and toes for me.

I Would Die for That

Great song...

Emerging

So it seems as though I'm "emerging". I had my annual check up today with my ob.gyn and that was her statement to me. I guess she felt that way because the last time that she saw me, previous to the lump checkup, I was distraught about my loss and was hysterically crying. I mean, who wouldn't be? I went through 12 weeks of happiness mixed with 24 hour a day morning sickness and then it was over.

Well, other than telling me that she thought I should seek psychiatric help and go back on birth control for a year, she didn't know what else to say. I didn't seek help, I knew I would eventually feel a little better, but like all losses it takes some time. But I certainly didn't want to go back on birth control and not for a year!

She saw a smile on my face today and decided that I am "emerging". I guess I am. This is a new year and I am definitely feeling optimistic. Oh yeah, and she did make sure to throw in that I should wait a few more months before trying again. Too bad I've been trying for a while now anyway...no luck...but I'm still trying.

Counting down...

Is it just me, or does everyone TTC count count and recount days leading up to ovulation days. I mean I'm using the OPK and I'm still questioning what I'm doing wrong. Of course visiting all kinds of different web sites that claim to be able to pin point exactly what day you are ovulating don't help. I was on one the other day that said the 13th of this month and now I got the 16th.

I'm sticking to my OPK and trying to put the rest out of my head.

I'm hoping to put a different spin on this blog very soon. If I had started it a year ago, it would've been a very upsetting blog for me. Now that I got the hard year out of the way, I'm just hoping that my body is ready and willing to cooperate.

Also, I'm very excited about some of my reality shows starting up again...Big.Brother for one. I am so addicted to that show and now it's on more than just in the summer.

I'm thinking about that fertility monitor. Has anybody used that? I might buy it tomorrow.

Lump

So, back to the lump situation. I somehow realized that things weren't the way they used to be with my breasts. It was the weirdest moment of my life. I felt this lump and almost thought that it wasn't even my breast I was feeling. It was almost funny, and then just as quick as it was funny it became very scary. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I felt like I wouldn't be able to speak.

My DH was laying right next to me and I contemplated for about a minute or so not even telling him. But who are we kidding, I need emotional support and I can't pretend something like that is not a big deal. I said "honey" three or four times and then thought...maybe I can't speak. Maybe I thought I said something. He finally heard me and realized that I had a shocked look on my face. I asked him to feel the lump and tell me that I was just hallucinating. But he didn't...tell me that I was hallucinating. He just said "go get it checked out and don't get upset until you know what it is". It almost sounded like an order and I would've gotten mad but then he grabbed me and started hugging me. That made it worse because I just felt like he knew something I didn't and I just felt like DAMN! I just thought I had the worst year of my life and trying to get pregnant was enough stress. I can't add this to it!!! This is unfair.

I probably spent the next three or four days doing the "woe is me" bit, in my head, out loud. It didn't matter. My DH was the only one I said anything to and I wouldn't tell anyone until I went to the doctor. But I sort of procrastinated and did what I hate most. I made excuses up for why I couldn't see the doctor two days in a row. Once again, DH let me know that my health was more important than anything and I had already self-diagnosed and was acting like I had a death sentence. I must be a drama queen because I thought about how much I hate when my dad does that. Every pain, every ache, everything is a death sentence and now he's learned how to G.oogle and he's learning all kinds of things about every illness he thinks he has.

Anyway, I went in to see my doctor and she immediately checked out the situation and very quickly, almost too quickly, made an appointment for me to get a mammogram and ultrasound. And when I say too quick, I mean she made the appointment for me for the next half hour. Well, that made me think that she knew something she wasn't telling me either. The 15 minute drive felt like the longest 15 minutes ever. But damn, once I got there everything happened one two three. Mammogram, ultrasound, one nurse, a second nurse and then the doctor checked my slides, gave me a check-up and told me it was just a cyst. If it didn't bother me, we would just leave it alone.

Talk about breathing a sigh of relief. I had already envisioned myself going through chemo and never having a baby. I'm just thankful that I'm ok and now I can go back to the business of TTC.

Couple of more days and I should be ovulating. Then starts the dreaded two week wait. But I am a lot more optimistic and grateful and I thank God that it was only a cyst. Bring on the two week wait!!! I'm ready!!

New Year...

A new year, a fresh start. I have to say that 2007 was a trying year for me. I was so positive that it would be the year that my only other wish would come true. I had already met and married the man of my dreams, so all that was left was to start a family. That was something that I have waited forever for. I guess I took for granted that it would just be so easy. It started out easy enough. I got pregnant in April, miscarried in May, got pregnant in June and had complications in August and that was over too.

Now for the past four months I have been trying. I have been living life two weeks at a time, and two weeks is just too much. It comes and goes easy enough. Like when my time of the month is over I have this great anticipation and hope waiting for that smiley face to show up on my OPK. And then comes that two week period of time when I'm constantly analyzing every little feeling in my stomach, wondering if my breasts are feeling sore or tender, wondering if there's some implantation going on. I can never wait until just about 4 or 5 days until I'm supposed to get my period. I wake up and run to the bathroom with that digital home pregnancy test waiting impatiently to see only ONE word. And then that horrible three letter word pops up right in front of pregnant...NOT! How can I hate such a little word so much? But then I think that I just took the test too early...so I am not so dissapointed. There's always tomorrow. And tomorrow comes and I'm talking myself out of taking another test too soon. So I wait just one more day. And there's that three letter word again...NOT. But of course I probably just miscalculated the number of days until I'm supposed to get my period. Yeah right. I have it down to a science and I know when I'm getting it and I know that the test is right. Who am I kidding. And I do this over and over again.

I was starting to lose hope. Christmas was not as special as it could've been. I mean I would've been 6 months pregnant. I would've been due in March. And now I'm begging a pee stick to not make me mad and just tell me what I want to hear. But I guess that 2007 was just not my year. It was an odd year and after all I like even numbers. So 2008 has just started and I can't help but be convinced that this is my year. I know it's gonna happen and I'm not losing faith. Oh yeah, but there's also that dreaded lump I found five days ago. What a way to kick me when I'm down. But thankfully it turned out to be a cyst. I'll touch more on that in my next post. This was a long time coming...I mean me actually sitting down and starting this blog. So stay tuned...it should get interesting.