Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Teach Me

So, tomorrow it's on to my IVF teach class...
I just know that this will be just like math class. I don't like math and I don't like needles, therefore it will go in one ear and out the other.
No, that's bad. I really have to pay attention because it's getting close to the day now. I have a two hour class in the morning and then I wait until May 17th. I hope I don't forget it all by then.
I went for my trial transfer the other day which was a breeze. When the doctor said he was done, I said "with what"? He said "with the trial transfer". I thought he was kidding but he was serious.
I guess after all the crappy stuff I went through in the past couple of weeks this seemed like nothing. Just a little bit of cramping afterwards.
I'm counting down the days, I can't believe it will already be May on Thursday.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Waiting Room

I really feel like I've been in the eternal waiting room lately. Not much has happened since my last post other than a lovely morning last week spent giving blood. I had to give 16 vials of blood. They had a whole list of tests that they needed blood for. DH only had 3 vials.

And I totally jinxed myself because I told him that after the pain I felt with the IV in my hand, this would be a piece of cake.

Well, my veins didn't think so. After the first 9 vials it seems as though my vein didn't feel like giving any more blood. So the nurse, who is really cool so I won't say anything bad, decides to move the needle around in my arm at which point I tried real hard to just go to a happy place and hope that it would all be over soon. That was a weird feeling.

Of course that didn't help so she lets me know that she has to try the other arm. No problem I say, how much worse can it get? So the next few vials of blood are just flowing smoothly until the last vial. Again, she says that no more blood is coming out. Really? Cause I thought the fact that I had now turned bright white would be an indication that there is no more blood. But I guess moving the needle around some more can find blood. Oh and that feels lovely, if you haven't tried it, next time you go to give blood, just ask the nurse to shift it around a little.

Well, she ties the tourniquet thing around my arm and she's almost trying to push blood out of me. I was OK, up until this point. I wasn't thinking about the fact that, like an idiot, I had eaten NO BREAKFAST, and that I would probably not be able to walk after this. She finally got the last vial and I was done. DH was up next.

I got up, walked to the waiting room and then the cold sweats started, followed by the weird loss of vision. You know, right when you are about to pass out. Except I wasn't passing out. Just getting real close to that point and then the reality of the needles and blood and everything kept hitting me. I didn't know if I was going to throw up or pass out. But I made it to the bathroom. It was so nice of them to carpet the floor too, because that's where I plopped myself down and went in and out of those nausea waves.

When I finally got up, I made it to the waiting room where my husband was already done, and I thought that I would be able to leave. We made it into the hallway and then I just sat down on the floor. I just felt the room spinning and had to go back inside for a better seat. They brought me something to drink, which they probably should have done before, and then made me lie down and they took my blood pressure. I had to wait there for about 20 minutes to get back to normal.

That was a week ago and I still have black and blue marks on my arms.

Tomorrow I go back for my two week visit after the hysteroscopy and my sounding. I'm not quite sure what the sounding will be. I'll report more tomorrow.

All this stuff is keeping me busy, but I really feel like this is taking forever. I've been waiting my whole life for this to happen. I'm getting a little impatient. But, you can't rush the schedule so I have to stop complaining.... :)

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

My Aching Mouth

That's sort of what I look like today. The only thing missing is the bow tie. I had a cavity refilled today. Went for a cleaning two weeks ago and the dentist didn't like the looks of the filling. I have been seeing needles so much lately, I didn't even flinch when he gave me the Novocaine.

Actually, the only part that hurt was when he started moving the needle around in a circular motion...damn I just realized that he did that and I'm in pain all over again. I was just able to eat my turkey and cranberry wrap that I bought after the appointment but wasn't able to eat because my mouth was so numb. Now my jaw is just sore, but other than that I have a nice new filling!

Getting back to the last two weeks...

I went for my pre-op blood work and paperwork on the 4th of April. Hubby was feeling sick and so I went to the appointment by myself. He didn't need to be there, I'm a big girl and I can do these things all alone, but he's just so good about always being there for me. I love him.

But he really was sick and since we were going to be flying the next morning, I left him on the couch to rest and get better. I filled out a ton of forms, got a prescription for pain meds and then headed to another part of the hospital for more paperwork and blood tests. While I was there the woman printed a sheet with about three wristbands on it with my name and info. She peels one off and then starts to put it on my wrist. I pulled my wrist back because I thought that she thought that I was having my hysteroscopy that day.

She was like "no, I know you're not having it today" and starts to put it on again. I pull back again and explained to her that I was going on vacation in the morning and there was no way I was keeping a hospital band on my wrist until the 10th. The woman thought I was nuts. And I don't know why I thought that I would have to keep it on either. She just explained that the nurse that would draw the blood would have to make sure that my info matched her forms. OK, so I'm a little out of it.

I was just there for about two hours already and all I could think about was the fact that I hadn't packed for my trip yet. I always wait till the last minute.

Anyway, I finished everything and was told that the would call me the day before the hysteroscopy to let me know what time I would have to be in.

Great, so now I'm leaving for Vegas the next morning and the day before I come home they give me a three hour window of when they will call to give me that info, and I am praying that I get the message because I might be on flight back home at the same time. Lucky for me, they called while I was in the cab heading to the airport.

So, Vegas was ok. Maybe I'm weird for not thinking it was so great, but it was physically exhausting. The time difference, the plane ride, staying up till about 6am the first night we get there...all took it's toll. I was able to take a quick nap but I just felt like crap the rest of the trip.

We saw E.lton J.ohn and C.irque de S.oleil though which were both FANTASTIC!!

I have to say though that I had a pretty crappy appetite and couldn't get a good night's rest the whole time. And the day before I came home I thought I would get a massage where they use these hot rocks. It was ok. I'm not writing home about it, just blogging. I didn't want one of those deep tissue massages because I had one before and I thought the woman was gonna rip my skin off and crack a few ribs while she was at it.

We didn't get home until about 1am and I had to be at the hospital at 9:30am. I barely got any sleep because now I was starting to get nervous. That same feeling I felt when I was young and I had to take a big test at school. Except this time, no studying, just poking and prodding. At least I wouldn't be awake for it.

The worst part of the whole experience...THE IV IN MY HAND!!!

I can still relive the pain. It was horrible. There were two nurses too. The younger one said "nurse so and so will be right here just in case I have a problem getting the needle in". Well, I wasn't looking but if I was I probably would've seen the two of them blindfolded with a hacksaw in their hands. It felt like they were stabbing my hand and had no clue what they were doing. I'm so surprised that I didn't scream.

I was so freaked out by the pain. I've never felt pain like that. My father has told me some horror stories of a nurse trying to get the IV in, and now I can relate.

I had to sit there with the IV for about an hour before they took me to the operating room. Which, by the way, was so huge and intimidating when I first went in. It was like nothing I've ever seen. And there were about 8 people in the room all waiting to do their job. One was going to put these long leg warmer type things on my legs, the other was going to adjust my IV, the other was going to put that mask thing on my face, and I don't know what everyone else was doing. All I know is that when my doctor came in, I almost didn't recognize him. He was in scrubs and a hair net and I had to really look at him. It was so weird to see him in that setting. But I guess I'll have to get used to that.

Once they put the mask on my face and told me to start breathing deeply, the last thing I remember was the woman behind me asking if I was starting to feel sleepy. I remember saying no and praying that they heard me and wouldn't start until I was completely out.

Next thing I know, I'm in recovery 1. This is where you go until you wake up and then they move you to recovery 2. That's where my husband would be waiting. I woke with that feeling of "where the hell am I?". They gave me something for the pain, and then after forever laying there, wheeled me in to the next recovery. It was great to see my husband waiting there. But that was short lived because I had to go to the bathroom so bad. They had someone wheel my to a bathroom and adjust my IV so I could go.

Then back to the bed where they asked if I was hungry. I was starving and devoured a turkey sandwich they brought me like I hadn't eaten in years. My husband was in a state of shock watching me. Not only does he hate turkey sandwiches, but he hates hospital food. Who really loves it? But let me tell you, I was so hungry and it tasted really good.

Wow, now my hands hurt from this frantic typing I'm doing. Let me take a moment and try to make this long story short.

Surprisingly my hand wasn't bruised at all from the IV like I thought it would be. But it was obvious that they had poked two holes. It felt more like 10. I was able to rest and recuperate from my trip and the hysteroscopy. Luckily, my doctor said everything was fine.

So now, I go for blood work again on Thursday morning and then I have to schedule an IVF teach class. I've really been blocking out the whole injection thing and I've been ok with it, but as it gets closer, I'm getting a little nervous.

Now hopefully I get my period on time and I will start meds on the 17th of May. I'm trying to keep my thoughts positive and trying really hard to stay stress free.

To all my fellow bloggers out there I am catching up on all your blogs...fingers crossed for everyone!

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Still here...

Just a quick note today to let everyone know that I'm still here. I was on vacation for a week with no computer, and then had my hysteroscopy the day after I came back. I'm running out now but I will try and post later and let you know how the procedure went. So far so good!

Sorry that I haven't caught up on blogs in about a week and a half...life is crazy without a computer!

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

My wonderful SIL sent me this awesome D.illon R.ogers leather bracelet! She's awesome and always knows the right thing to say and when the inspiration meter is running low...she fills it up. There's never a time when I need her advice and she's not just a phone call away to give it. I wish she lived closer but she's in my heart and that's close enough so that I don't miss her too much. It doesn't matter what she's going through, she always has time to listen...there's not too many out there like her....love you D!
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Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Dark Clouds

I just had one of those days today. I can't explain it. Like everything is just all wrong, and I know it's not. Every day is one step closer, but some days I just feel out of touch with reality. There's so much excitement about my sister's baby and everyone is calling to ask me questions, and I have to answer in such a positive way and it's so hard. If I'm not really excited about it, then I know in their heads, people are thinking "she must be jealous". Those are the people that do not know what I have gone through this past year. And the ones who normally would ask questions, have nothing to say and kind of look at me all sad.

Even my dad patted me on the head when I was holding my nephew, almost as if he was so sad for me. It really caught me off guard and when I turned to look at him, he had a look on his face like "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pat you on the head" and I just know that inside he was just so sad for me.

Now normally, I have parents who love that dark cloud just lingering right above their heads. And nothing makes me more crazy. Especially because I see them on a daily basis. So now they are just ecstatic and all they do is talk about the baby and I find myself fighting tears. I should be happy that gloom and doom isn't the focus and they are actually happy but inside I'm screaming at them to just stop. I can't let them know how upsetting it is to me to constantly hear them on the phone bragging about their first grandchild and how long they have waited. It is their right to be happy and they aren't trying to be mean to me, but they sort of forget sometimes that maybe it bothers me. Like I said, I can't complain out loud. It does me no good.
I'm trying...I really am.