Dark Clouds

I just had one of those days today. I can't explain it. Like everything is just all wrong, and I know it's not. Every day is one step closer, but some days I just feel out of touch with reality. There's so much excitement about my sister's baby and everyone is calling to ask me questions, and I have to answer in such a positive way and it's so hard. If I'm not really excited about it, then I know in their heads, people are thinking "she must be jealous". Those are the people that do not know what I have gone through this past year. And the ones who normally would ask questions, have nothing to say and kind of look at me all sad.

Even my dad patted me on the head when I was holding my nephew, almost as if he was so sad for me. It really caught me off guard and when I turned to look at him, he had a look on his face like "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pat you on the head" and I just know that inside he was just so sad for me.

Now normally, I have parents who love that dark cloud just lingering right above their heads. And nothing makes me more crazy. Especially because I see them on a daily basis. So now they are just ecstatic and all they do is talk about the baby and I find myself fighting tears. I should be happy that gloom and doom isn't the focus and they are actually happy but inside I'm screaming at them to just stop. I can't let them know how upsetting it is to me to constantly hear them on the phone bragging about their first grandchild and how long they have waited. It is their right to be happy and they aren't trying to be mean to me, but they sort of forget sometimes that maybe it bothers me. Like I said, I can't complain out loud. It does me no good.

I'm trying...I really am.