Well, I jumped ahead of myself today and woke up extra early to walk the dog. I tried to talk myself out of testing today only to ignore what I promised I wouldn't do. So I grabbed the HPT and snuck into the bathroom all quiet. Of course trying to open a brand new box of tests and then tearing the wrapper wasn't so quiet.
Did what I had to do with the test and then took a stroll around the house, said a prayer, begged and promised all kinds of things and then slowly took the walk back to the bathroom to check the results. Hourglass still blinking...let me brush my teeth...don't look down 'cause it's probably still blinking. Oh forget it, let me look down. And there was that three letter word that I have come to despise. NOT...pregnant.
How could that be? I know I was doing everything I should, taking my temperature, OPK... What's the problem? I'm four days away from when I should get my period. Did I check too soon? I don't know. All I do know is that it was the biggest let down. I'm so frustrated and I should've known anyway. I've been poking at my boobs...nothing. I think that was the biggest sign for me the last time I got pregnant. My boobs really hurt then. But even then I didn't think I was.
I feel like I studied so much for a test and was so prepared, only to fail. I wasn't even gonna tell my hubby until I checked again in two days, but he's so good and he totally knows me. He knew something was wrong and then I just broke down and started crying. I vented about all the young girls I see walking around pregnant, smoking cigarettes. I vented about a woman we know who is pregnant and every time I see her I swear she does nothing but tell anyone who will listen how annoyed she is that she's pregnant. Slap!
I know that I should just let go a little and put it in God's hands. Everyone always tells me "If it's meant to be, it will happen". Sometimes that makes me mad too. I guess when you're disappointed there is no amount of words that can make sense.
I don't mean to vent so much, I'm just drained. I can't even imagine what all the women out there go through with IVF. My prayers go out to all of you.
3 comments:
I'm so sorry. I hope it was a false negative. I know just how you're feeling. It's an almost overwhelming sense of disappointment, isn't it. I've just felt heavy all day. But, I'm determined not to let it get the best of me. I'll let the disappointment run its course and move on.
((hugs))
Thanks for the hugs Joannah!
Hey you! - I know I told earlier, but I'm saying it again - I'm really sorry this wasn't the month. I've been praying and crossing everything for you. I know how hard it is to hear the "if it's meant to be" - I was there and it stinks. Everyone means well but it doesn't make this easier. In the adoption world, I keep hearing "well, maybe it's not meant to be" - it D.O.E.S. not help. So I've got nothing to make it easier but to tell you I love you and I'm here for you....
xoxo sister...
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