Feeling a little lost...

Today I'm feeling a little lost. I feel like no matter how optimistic I am and how much I look forward to having a baby one day, I still feel like I won't find my way there.

I decided to switch my ob-gyn yesterday, found a new one and requested that my doctors office have my files ready for me to pick up. The decision is in part because of convenience of hospital, should I get pregnant. And the other reason is that I was sort of disappointed with my doctor when I lost the baby in August. She made me feel like I was losing my mind and that I desperately needed psychiatric help and should go back on birth control for a year.

Everybody told me I should've walked out then, but I overlooked her kooky attitude and went back for my annual visit. She did also mention then that I should "still wait".

Well, I found a new doctor, who comes highly recommended and who works out of the hospital I would want to go to. Am I jumping ahead of myself? I don't know, but it's better to be prepared.

Well, my doctor just called to ask what the reason was for the change. I could only say to her that it was a matter of convenience.

Maybe the change will be good. Maybe new advice will be good too.

So here's to finding my way out of this crazy maze of feelings.

Donating

I was feeling a little down today, and somehow got the strength to continue doing what I started...cleaning out closets. I know the old "if you haven't worn it in the past year, throw it out" rule, but I can't seem to get it down pat. I definitely throw out a lot but not as much as I should.

So, yesterday my husband and I brought six bags to the truck to be donated and I have been steadily cleaning out my closet and going through my drawers since I got home from work. I'd say I have another 4 hefty bags full ready to go down to the truck. I feel horrible though because some of the stuff still has tags on it, some are blouses my mom gave me that I know I haven't even worn yet. She asks me from time to time where they are and I always fib and say I usually wear them when she's not around.

It really is therapeutic and I feel so good afterward. But if I had more time I would take everything out of my drawers and reorganize according to...you know, tee shirts, camisoles, sweaters, long sleeve shirts, etc.

I reorganized my sock drawer and got rid of just about half of them. Then I hit the unmentionables. Right before the wedding a year and a half ago, I lost alot of weight. Mostly due to stress and nerves. I guess I went out and bought out most of Vi*torias S#cret and they definitely don't fit. I got rid of alot of those too.

I won't feel completely better until I clear up the little things left all over the room and then comes the task of getting everything to the truck. Hubby won't be home till late or else I would wait for him.

I guess I got something done today that kept my mind off of other things.

Trying to Conceive

First a little poem:

Anything. I'll do anything—temperature charts, tes-tape, litmus paper, abstinenence to maximize sperm count, lying on my back with a pillow under my behind and my legs up like a beetle, Vitamin A, Vitamin E, zinc, manganese. Anything. I'll do anything—But please—oh please—don't ask me to just relax.
By Marion Cohen

And then I'm hoping that if I stare at the picture for a real long time, it'll help me relax!! lol

"Not" Again

As if the first negative on Friday wasn't enough, I decided to waste another HPT just to see those three little letters again. I mean I knew I wasn't pregnant. I felt Not pregnant. So I don't know why I needed to take another test. But I did, and it was negative.

And then this morning I awoke with a visit from Aunt Flo. I really dislike Aunt Flo. I think she knows it too. Now more than ever I am drained of all energy, mentally and physically. I can't believe I have to wait two weeks and start the whole thing over again. The first two weeks are the depressing ones. The last two are hopeful and somewhat happy, but I spend most of that time praying for signs. I hate that it's become such a job, such a scheduled job. It was never supposed to be this way and I never in my life thought it would be.

I saw my sister the other night. She's gotten a lot bigger and she still has 2 more months to go. I tried to keep my mind on other things and just act silly and laugh. I think I made her laugh too much and she almost peed on herself more than once. I really tried not to feel sad myself, but it was kinda hard the next morning waiting for the test results and thinking all the what ifs. What if I can't get pregnant again? What if I never do? What if my biological clock has stopped ticking for whatever reason?

So I decided...What if I stop thinking so negatively and start preparing myself for the next cycle? Sounds like a plan.

Why Not?

Well, I jumped ahead of myself today and woke up extra early to walk the dog. I tried to talk myself out of testing today only to ignore what I promised I wouldn't do. So I grabbed the HPT and snuck into the bathroom all quiet. Of course trying to open a brand new box of tests and then tearing the wrapper wasn't so quiet.

Did what I had to do with the test and then took a stroll around the house, said a prayer, begged and promised all kinds of things and then slowly took the walk back to the bathroom to check the results. Hourglass still blinking...let me brush my teeth...don't look down 'cause it's probably still blinking. Oh forget it, let me look down. And there was that three letter word that I have come to despise. NOT...pregnant.

How could that be? I know I was doing everything I should, taking my temperature, OPK... What's the problem? I'm four days away from when I should get my period. Did I check too soon? I don't know. All I do know is that it was the biggest let down. I'm so frustrated and I should've known anyway. I've been poking at my boobs...nothing. I think that was the biggest sign for me the last time I got pregnant. My boobs really hurt then. But even then I didn't think I was.

I feel like I studied so much for a test and was so prepared, only to fail. I wasn't even gonna tell my hubby until I checked again in two days, but he's so good and he totally knows me. He knew something was wrong and then I just broke down and started crying. I vented about all the young girls I see walking around pregnant, smoking cigarettes. I vented about a woman we know who is pregnant and every time I see her I swear she does nothing but tell anyone who will listen how annoyed she is that she's pregnant. Slap!

I know that I should just let go a little and put it in God's hands. Everyone always tells me "If it's meant to be, it will happen". Sometimes that makes me mad too. I guess when you're disappointed there is no amount of words that can make sense.

I don't mean to vent so much, I'm just drained. I can't even imagine what all the women out there go through with IVF. My prayers go out to all of you.

Patience...

Not much new has been going on other than trying not to over analyze every little thing I'm feeling. Last week there were a few days when I was kinda crampy and I was hoping that it was what I thought it was...implantation. But, then the last two days I've been crampy again.

Usually I always get cramps the week before my period and sometimes they go away until the moment it arrives. So really, these cramps would be the cramps I usually get. Then what was last week?

I have my HPT's waiting ever so patiently in the box right next to my bed. I just hope I can wait until Saturday.

I've been busy with the plans for my sister's shower, which is next month. She's due two weeks after I would've been due... :(

And then to top it all off, I received another invite for a shower the week after my sister's. She's due the week after my sister. I thought I wouldn't be able to handle people having babies around the time that I would've but I guess that it's true that time heals and makes things a little easier.

I hope I'm still feeling this way on Saturday if the results are negative. I should be getting my period the 29th. Maybe I should wait until Sunday? We'll see.

Hope to see this soon...

OK, so I'm hoping to not jump ahead of myself and test before Saturday. I should be expecting Aunt Flo on the 29th, but I'm hoping she has something better to do for the next nine months than visit me. I have used the digital home PG tests before and they say you can use them up to five days before a missed period. 5 days would be Thursday, but I will force myself to wait until Saturday. I figure that would be most accurate. Fingers crossed...

The Waiting Game

And so starts the waiting game. It's been about 4 days since ovulation, so I'm trying hard every minute of the day to stop calculating things in my head. I go to different websites and each of them tells me what day implantation will occur (that is if it will occur) and what's the earliest I will be able to do a home pregnancy test. According to one website, implantation will happen probably around Sunday.

Now I'm sure I'll be spending all day Sunday looking for signs. How could you not have this on your mind 24 hours a day. So many people have told me to put it out of my head, but you can't. I mean let's be for real, if you don't constantly think about it, you won't be trying on the right days.

That's all fine and dandy for someone who hasn't miscarried a few times. But the last couple of months I have had two positive pregnancy tests, only to get my period the exact day I would've gotten it according to my schedule. At first I thought maybe I bought the bad batch of home pregnancy tests.

I have to say though that I'm not feeling as though I'll lose it if I'm not pregnant this time. Maybe because I just have this feeling that I really am. I think this is my year. I think it will happen.

Cross your fingers and toes for me.

I Would Die for That

Great song...

Emerging

So it seems as though I'm "emerging". I had my annual check up today with my ob.gyn and that was her statement to me. I guess she felt that way because the last time that she saw me, previous to the lump checkup, I was distraught about my loss and was hysterically crying. I mean, who wouldn't be? I went through 12 weeks of happiness mixed with 24 hour a day morning sickness and then it was over.

Well, other than telling me that she thought I should seek psychiatric help and go back on birth control for a year, she didn't know what else to say. I didn't seek help, I knew I would eventually feel a little better, but like all losses it takes some time. But I certainly didn't want to go back on birth control and not for a year!

She saw a smile on my face today and decided that I am "emerging". I guess I am. This is a new year and I am definitely feeling optimistic. Oh yeah, and she did make sure to throw in that I should wait a few more months before trying again. Too bad I've been trying for a while now anyway...no luck...but I'm still trying.

Counting down...

Is it just me, or does everyone TTC count count and recount days leading up to ovulation days. I mean I'm using the OPK and I'm still questioning what I'm doing wrong. Of course visiting all kinds of different web sites that claim to be able to pin point exactly what day you are ovulating don't help. I was on one the other day that said the 13th of this month and now I got the 16th.

I'm sticking to my OPK and trying to put the rest out of my head.

I'm hoping to put a different spin on this blog very soon. If I had started it a year ago, it would've been a very upsetting blog for me. Now that I got the hard year out of the way, I'm just hoping that my body is ready and willing to cooperate.

Also, I'm very excited about some of my reality shows starting up again...Big.Brother for one. I am so addicted to that show and now it's on more than just in the summer.

I'm thinking about that fertility monitor. Has anybody used that? I might buy it tomorrow.

Lump

So, back to the lump situation. I somehow realized that things weren't the way they used to be with my breasts. It was the weirdest moment of my life. I felt this lump and almost thought that it wasn't even my breast I was feeling. It was almost funny, and then just as quick as it was funny it became very scary. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I felt like I wouldn't be able to speak.

My DH was laying right next to me and I contemplated for about a minute or so not even telling him. But who are we kidding, I need emotional support and I can't pretend something like that is not a big deal. I said "honey" three or four times and then thought...maybe I can't speak. Maybe I thought I said something. He finally heard me and realized that I had a shocked look on my face. I asked him to feel the lump and tell me that I was just hallucinating. But he didn't...tell me that I was hallucinating. He just said "go get it checked out and don't get upset until you know what it is". It almost sounded like an order and I would've gotten mad but then he grabbed me and started hugging me. That made it worse because I just felt like he knew something I didn't and I just felt like DAMN! I just thought I had the worst year of my life and trying to get pregnant was enough stress. I can't add this to it!!! This is unfair.

I probably spent the next three or four days doing the "woe is me" bit, in my head, out loud. It didn't matter. My DH was the only one I said anything to and I wouldn't tell anyone until I went to the doctor. But I sort of procrastinated and did what I hate most. I made excuses up for why I couldn't see the doctor two days in a row. Once again, DH let me know that my health was more important than anything and I had already self-diagnosed and was acting like I had a death sentence. I must be a drama queen because I thought about how much I hate when my dad does that. Every pain, every ache, everything is a death sentence and now he's learned how to G.oogle and he's learning all kinds of things about every illness he thinks he has.

Anyway, I went in to see my doctor and she immediately checked out the situation and very quickly, almost too quickly, made an appointment for me to get a mammogram and ultrasound. And when I say too quick, I mean she made the appointment for me for the next half hour. Well, that made me think that she knew something she wasn't telling me either. The 15 minute drive felt like the longest 15 minutes ever. But damn, once I got there everything happened one two three. Mammogram, ultrasound, one nurse, a second nurse and then the doctor checked my slides, gave me a check-up and told me it was just a cyst. If it didn't bother me, we would just leave it alone.

Talk about breathing a sigh of relief. I had already envisioned myself going through chemo and never having a baby. I'm just thankful that I'm ok and now I can go back to the business of TTC.

Couple of more days and I should be ovulating. Then starts the dreaded two week wait. But I am a lot more optimistic and grateful and I thank God that it was only a cyst. Bring on the two week wait!!! I'm ready!!

New Year...

A new year, a fresh start. I have to say that 2007 was a trying year for me. I was so positive that it would be the year that my only other wish would come true. I had already met and married the man of my dreams, so all that was left was to start a family. That was something that I have waited forever for. I guess I took for granted that it would just be so easy. It started out easy enough. I got pregnant in April, miscarried in May, got pregnant in June and had complications in August and that was over too.

Now for the past four months I have been trying. I have been living life two weeks at a time, and two weeks is just too much. It comes and goes easy enough. Like when my time of the month is over I have this great anticipation and hope waiting for that smiley face to show up on my OPK. And then comes that two week period of time when I'm constantly analyzing every little feeling in my stomach, wondering if my breasts are feeling sore or tender, wondering if there's some implantation going on. I can never wait until just about 4 or 5 days until I'm supposed to get my period. I wake up and run to the bathroom with that digital home pregnancy test waiting impatiently to see only ONE word. And then that horrible three letter word pops up right in front of pregnant...NOT! How can I hate such a little word so much? But then I think that I just took the test too early...so I am not so dissapointed. There's always tomorrow. And tomorrow comes and I'm talking myself out of taking another test too soon. So I wait just one more day. And there's that three letter word again...NOT. But of course I probably just miscalculated the number of days until I'm supposed to get my period. Yeah right. I have it down to a science and I know when I'm getting it and I know that the test is right. Who am I kidding. And I do this over and over again.

I was starting to lose hope. Christmas was not as special as it could've been. I mean I would've been 6 months pregnant. I would've been due in March. And now I'm begging a pee stick to not make me mad and just tell me what I want to hear. But I guess that 2007 was just not my year. It was an odd year and after all I like even numbers. So 2008 has just started and I can't help but be convinced that this is my year. I know it's gonna happen and I'm not losing faith. Oh yeah, but there's also that dreaded lump I found five days ago. What a way to kick me when I'm down. But thankfully it turned out to be a cyst. I'll touch more on that in my next post. This was a long time coming...I mean me actually sitting down and starting this blog. So stay tuned...it should get interesting.