"Not" Again

As if the first negative on Friday wasn't enough, I decided to waste another HPT just to see those three little letters again. I mean I knew I wasn't pregnant. I felt Not pregnant. So I don't know why I needed to take another test. But I did, and it was negative.

And then this morning I awoke with a visit from Aunt Flo. I really dislike Aunt Flo. I think she knows it too. Now more than ever I am drained of all energy, mentally and physically. I can't believe I have to wait two weeks and start the whole thing over again. The first two weeks are the depressing ones. The last two are hopeful and somewhat happy, but I spend most of that time praying for signs. I hate that it's become such a job, such a scheduled job. It was never supposed to be this way and I never in my life thought it would be.

I saw my sister the other night. She's gotten a lot bigger and she still has 2 more months to go. I tried to keep my mind on other things and just act silly and laugh. I think I made her laugh too much and she almost peed on herself more than once. I really tried not to feel sad myself, but it was kinda hard the next morning waiting for the test results and thinking all the what ifs. What if I can't get pregnant again? What if I never do? What if my biological clock has stopped ticking for whatever reason?

So I decided...What if I stop thinking so negatively and start preparing myself for the next cycle? Sounds like a plan.