Thank You

I just wanted to post and say thanks to the many who stopped by to offer support. It was a pretty rough weekend, lots of hating the world and feeling like I was losing faith. I really felt like I couldn't even count any more the many times over and over that I had a negative result on a home pregnancy test, the many times I got my period when I was so sure that I was pregnant, and the many miscarriages. I'm feeling a little better right now, still sad and trying not to feel hopeless.
My husband is being really supportive, but there are even times when he just can't say the right thing either. I'm trying not to take it out on him, it's so easy to do that.
I'm trying to catch up on all of your blogs as well. It's been kinda hard to focus right now and stay positive.

But again, thanks for all of the kind words.

Sad, sad, sad...

I don't have much to say today. I waited to write, instead of posting my Beta results on Monday, because my levels were low - 24 - and this morning I went in for my second blood test. I was so hoping for my levels to have doubled, because for some reason I knew that the number was low and that the nurse who called to give me the results didn't sound very optimistic.
As soon as my phone rang today and it was my doctor and not some nurse calling with results, I knew right away that it was bad news.
He said my numbers went down and they consider it a chemical pregnancy. I mean I was hoping for both the embryos to make it and I was so thrilled at the prospect of twins. But to get a call that neither one made it...too much.
I am so devastated right now. I went through so many months of trying on my own, only to be let down month after month after month.
When I started this whole IVF process in March, I don't think I've ever been so optimistic. But I kinda thought something was wrong on Monday. I had the kind of cramps you get right before you get your period. I spent the whole morning and early afternoon trying to ignore them while I waited for my beta results.
The doctor said the good news was that I did get pregnant and that I have 3 frozen embryos. I'll just have to wait one cycle and we will transfer again.
I'm trying to sound ok right now, but I just want to cry. I came home from work early and I getting into bed right now to watch some tv and hopefully fall asleep.
Thanks for all the wishes of luck from everyone. I guess let's pray for part 2...

Waiting once again...

So, here we are once again...waiting.
Friday...the 13th was my transfer date. They transferred back 2. It went well and I'm happy to say that the dull pain I had all week from the retrieval seemed to almost disappear right after the transfer. Of course as I lay in the recovery room I was remembering a few of the last episodes of The*Office that I had just watched and I was laughing hysterically while I was waiting for my husband to be brought in. Don't ask me why this is what I was thinking about.
I spent the rest of the day relaxing and took it easy the rest of the weekend.
I go in on Wednesday and Friday for bloodwork and Monday is my PG test.
I'm trying not to think too much about it and I'm really trying hard not to wonder if I'm feeling any symptoms.
Fingers crossed!

Retrieval Update

OK, so here's the retrieval update...

• 14 oocytes from yesterday's retrieval
• 2 immature
• 12 mature
• 11 fertilized

I'm so excited, shocked, nervous...

I can't put it into words. I start my progesterone injection tonight and now comes the daily wait to see the progress. Wednesday there will be a biopsy and then the genetic testing. My transfer day is this Friday...the 13th. I'm so not superstitious, in fact I like the number thirteen so I'm very optimistic!!!

Delayed Update

Hello all! Sorry for the absence once again. I'm happy to report that my Lupron and Follistim injections have been going well. I had a few days of painful injections and some bleeding but I don't know why because the rest have been just fine. I still can't do them myself, and my DH has been fantastic about doing them every night.
I have been going for my daily monitoring for the last week now. I'm up at 5:30am every morning to be there bright and early for bloodwork and ultrasounds. My arms, or pin cushions as I like to call them, are all bruised up. It's hard to cover them on the days when it is really hot but so far I have been getting away with a light sweater. They really look crappy.
My doctor told me today that it looks like a Sunday retrieval. Which means I would do my trigger shot tomorrow night. It's crazy how fast it all is happening. When this whole process started I felt like it would take forever. I didn't even think I could do the shots, but I'm a pro. At least with the little needles. I have been staring at my trigger shot needle and it looks huge. I hope it doesn't hurt...
I am so nervously excited!!!

Not so bad...

I'm happy to report that the injections are not so bad. The first one didn't hurt at all, in fact I didn't even feel it and I thought my husband was playing a trick on me. Of course I almost passed out right before he did it, and that was only after I kept saying "I can't do it, I can't do it". Then I started freaking out because I thought if I can't do these little small needles, how the hell am I going to do the trigger shot or the progesterone shots?

The last few pinched a little more but I think I was squeezing my skin too tight. And in case you're wondering, I haven't given myself the shot yet...my husband has been so good about it. I'm just hoping that he can do all of them for me because I really don't think I can do it myself. He wants me to practice in case he has to work late and I tried to last night but I just couldn't do it.

Maybe knowing that he was right there and would do it for me made me not really try. Now I'm just waiting for my period so that I can go in for a day 3 ultrasound. Blah, that should be fun.

Thanks for all the encouragement out there. I promise to let you guys know if I actually get up enough nerve to do it myself.

Lupron Eve

First off I'd like to apologize for my absence. I have no excuse, I've just been not feeling like myself lately. Couldn't bring myself to blog much. I have to catch up on all my fellow bloggers as well.

I've been waiting for the day to come, when I would officially start this whole IVF thing, and that day is tomorrow. I ovulated on the 8th, so tomorrow night I give myself my first Lupron injection. Up until now, this whole thing has been surreal. I never thought I would be doing this and even after all the appointments and picking up all of my prescriptions, it seemed as if it was gonna happen to someone else.

I started taking a different pre*natal vitamin as well and it makes me feel a little weird. I'm not sure if I'm nauseous or not. I guess that's a good thing.

But I'm so nervous for tomorrow. I've watched a bunch of women on the internet giving themselves their first Lupron injection and everyone seems like it's no big deal.

So it's no big deal for me either. But yes it is. I can't make up my mind. I told my mom today that after tomorrow my life will change and hopefully for the better. This is the beginning of something great. I can just feel it.

I promise not to take so long in between posts!!!

Teach Me

So, tomorrow it's on to my IVF teach class...
I just know that this will be just like math class. I don't like math and I don't like needles, therefore it will go in one ear and out the other.
No, that's bad. I really have to pay attention because it's getting close to the day now. I have a two hour class in the morning and then I wait until May 17th. I hope I don't forget it all by then.
I went for my trial transfer the other day which was a breeze. When the doctor said he was done, I said "with what"? He said "with the trial transfer". I thought he was kidding but he was serious.
I guess after all the crappy stuff I went through in the past couple of weeks this seemed like nothing. Just a little bit of cramping afterwards.
I'm counting down the days, I can't believe it will already be May on Thursday.

Waiting Room

I really feel like I've been in the eternal waiting room lately. Not much has happened since my last post other than a lovely morning last week spent giving blood. I had to give 16 vials of blood. They had a whole list of tests that they needed blood for. DH only had 3 vials.

And I totally jinxed myself because I told him that after the pain I felt with the IV in my hand, this would be a piece of cake.

Well, my veins didn't think so. After the first 9 vials it seems as though my vein didn't feel like giving any more blood. So the nurse, who is really cool so I won't say anything bad, decides to move the needle around in my arm at which point I tried real hard to just go to a happy place and hope that it would all be over soon. That was a weird feeling.

Of course that didn't help so she lets me know that she has to try the other arm. No problem I say, how much worse can it get? So the next few vials of blood are just flowing smoothly until the last vial. Again, she says that no more blood is coming out. Really? Cause I thought the fact that I had now turned bright white would be an indication that there is no more blood. But I guess moving the needle around some more can find blood. Oh and that feels lovely, if you haven't tried it, next time you go to give blood, just ask the nurse to shift it around a little.

Well, she ties the tourniquet thing around my arm and she's almost trying to push blood out of me. I was OK, up until this point. I wasn't thinking about the fact that, like an idiot, I had eaten NO BREAKFAST, and that I would probably not be able to walk after this. She finally got the last vial and I was done. DH was up next.

I got up, walked to the waiting room and then the cold sweats started, followed by the weird loss of vision. You know, right when you are about to pass out. Except I wasn't passing out. Just getting real close to that point and then the reality of the needles and blood and everything kept hitting me. I didn't know if I was going to throw up or pass out. But I made it to the bathroom. It was so nice of them to carpet the floor too, because that's where I plopped myself down and went in and out of those nausea waves.

When I finally got up, I made it to the waiting room where my husband was already done, and I thought that I would be able to leave. We made it into the hallway and then I just sat down on the floor. I just felt the room spinning and had to go back inside for a better seat. They brought me something to drink, which they probably should have done before, and then made me lie down and they took my blood pressure. I had to wait there for about 20 minutes to get back to normal.

That was a week ago and I still have black and blue marks on my arms.

Tomorrow I go back for my two week visit after the hysteroscopy and my sounding. I'm not quite sure what the sounding will be. I'll report more tomorrow.

All this stuff is keeping me busy, but I really feel like this is taking forever. I've been waiting my whole life for this to happen. I'm getting a little impatient. But, you can't rush the schedule so I have to stop complaining.... :)

My Aching Mouth

That's sort of what I look like today. The only thing missing is the bow tie. I had a cavity refilled today. Went for a cleaning two weeks ago and the dentist didn't like the looks of the filling. I have been seeing needles so much lately, I didn't even flinch when he gave me the Novocaine.



Actually, the only part that hurt was when he started moving the needle around in a circular motion...damn I just realized that he did that and I'm in pain all over again. I was just able to eat my turkey and cranberry wrap that I bought after the appointment but wasn't able to eat because my mouth was so numb. Now my jaw is just sore, but other than that I have a nice new filling!



Getting back to the last two weeks...



I went for my pre-op blood work and paperwork on the 4th of April. Hubby was feeling sick and so I went to the appointment by myself. He didn't need to be there, I'm a big girl and I can do these things all alone, but he's just so good about always being there for me. I love him.

But he really was sick and since we were going to be flying the next morning, I left him on the couch to rest and get better. I filled out a ton of forms, got a prescription for pain meds and then headed to another part of the hospital for more paperwork and blood tests. While I was there the woman printed a sheet with about three wristbands on it with my name and info. She peels one off and then starts to put it on my wrist. I pulled my wrist back because I thought that she thought that I was having my hysteroscopy that day.

She was like "no, I know you're not having it today" and starts to put it on again. I pull back again and explained to her that I was going on vacation in the morning and there was no way I was keeping a hospital band on my wrist until the 10th. The woman thought I was nuts. And I don't know why I thought that I would have to keep it on either. She just explained that the nurse that would draw the blood would have to make sure that my info matched her forms. OK, so I'm a little out of it.

I was just there for about two hours already and all I could think about was the fact that I hadn't packed for my trip yet. I always wait till the last minute.

Anyway, I finished everything and was told that the would call me the day before the hysteroscopy to let me know what time I would have to be in.

Great, so now I'm leaving for Vegas the next morning and the day before I come home they give me a three hour window of when they will call to give me that info, and I am praying that I get the message because I might be on flight back home at the same time. Lucky for me, they called while I was in the cab heading to the airport.

So, Vegas was ok. Maybe I'm weird for not thinking it was so great, but it was physically exhausting. The time difference, the plane ride, staying up till about 6am the first night we get there...all took it's toll. I was able to take a quick nap but I just felt like crap the rest of the trip.

We saw E.lton J.ohn and C.irque de S.oleil though which were both FANTASTIC!!

I have to say though that I had a pretty crappy appetite and couldn't get a good night's rest the whole time. And the day before I came home I thought I would get a massage where they use these hot rocks. It was ok. I'm not writing home about it, just blogging. I didn't want one of those deep tissue massages because I had one before and I thought the woman was gonna rip my skin off and crack a few ribs while she was at it.

We didn't get home until about 1am and I had to be at the hospital at 9:30am. I barely got any sleep because now I was starting to get nervous. That same feeling I felt when I was young and I had to take a big test at school. Except this time, no studying, just poking and prodding. At least I wouldn't be awake for it.

The worst part of the whole experience...THE IV IN MY HAND!!!

I can still relive the pain. It was horrible. There were two nurses too. The younger one said "nurse so and so will be right here just in case I have a problem getting the needle in". Well, I wasn't looking but if I was I probably would've seen the two of them blindfolded with a hacksaw in their hands. It felt like they were stabbing my hand and had no clue what they were doing. I'm so surprised that I didn't scream.

I was so freaked out by the pain. I've never felt pain like that. My father has told me some horror stories of a nurse trying to get the IV in, and now I can relate.

I had to sit there with the IV for about an hour before they took me to the operating room. Which, by the way, was so huge and intimidating when I first went in. It was like nothing I've ever seen. And there were about 8 people in the room all waiting to do their job. One was going to put these long leg warmer type things on my legs, the other was going to adjust my IV, the other was going to put that mask thing on my face, and I don't know what everyone else was doing. All I know is that when my doctor came in, I almost didn't recognize him. He was in scrubs and a hair net and I had to really look at him. It was so weird to see him in that setting. But I guess I'll have to get used to that.

Once they put the mask on my face and told me to start breathing deeply, the last thing I remember was the woman behind me asking if I was starting to feel sleepy. I remember saying no and praying that they heard me and wouldn't start until I was completely out.

Next thing I know, I'm in recovery 1. This is where you go until you wake up and then they move you to recovery 2. That's where my husband would be waiting. I woke with that feeling of "where the hell am I?". They gave me something for the pain, and then after forever laying there, wheeled me in to the next recovery. It was great to see my husband waiting there. But that was short lived because I had to go to the bathroom so bad. They had someone wheel my to a bathroom and adjust my IV so I could go.

Then back to the bed where they asked if I was hungry. I was starving and devoured a turkey sandwich they brought me like I hadn't eaten in years. My husband was in a state of shock watching me. Not only does he hate turkey sandwiches, but he hates hospital food. Who really loves it? But let me tell you, I was so hungry and it tasted really good.

Wow, now my hands hurt from this frantic typing I'm doing. Let me take a moment and try to make this long story short.

Surprisingly my hand wasn't bruised at all from the IV like I thought it would be. But it was obvious that they had poked two holes. It felt more like 10. I was able to rest and recuperate from my trip and the hysteroscopy. Luckily, my doctor said everything was fine.

So now, I go for blood work again on Thursday morning and then I have to schedule an IVF teach class. I've really been blocking out the whole injection thing and I've been ok with it, but as it gets closer, I'm getting a little nervous.

Now hopefully I get my period on time and I will start meds on the 17th of May. I'm trying to keep my thoughts positive and trying really hard to stay stress free.

To all my fellow bloggers out there I am catching up on all your blogs...fingers crossed for everyone!

Still here...

Just a quick note today to let everyone know that I'm still here. I was on vacation for a week with no computer, and then had my hysteroscopy the day after I came back. I'm running out now but I will try and post later and let you know how the procedure went. So far so good!

Sorry that I haven't caught up on blogs in about a week and a half...life is crazy without a computer!

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

My wonderful SIL sent me this awesome D.illon R.ogers leather bracelet! She's awesome and always knows the right thing to say and when the inspiration meter is running low...she fills it up. There's never a time when I need her advice and she's not just a phone call away to give it. I wish she lived closer but she's in my heart and that's close enough so that I don't miss her too much. It doesn't matter what she's going through, she always has time to listen...there's not too many out there like her....love you D!

Dark Clouds

I just had one of those days today. I can't explain it. Like everything is just all wrong, and I know it's not. Every day is one step closer, but some days I just feel out of touch with reality. There's so much excitement about my sister's baby and everyone is calling to ask me questions, and I have to answer in such a positive way and it's so hard. If I'm not really excited about it, then I know in their heads, people are thinking "she must be jealous". Those are the people that do not know what I have gone through this past year. And the ones who normally would ask questions, have nothing to say and kind of look at me all sad.

Even my dad patted me on the head when I was holding my nephew, almost as if he was so sad for me. It really caught me off guard and when I turned to look at him, he had a look on his face like "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pat you on the head" and I just know that inside he was just so sad for me.

Now normally, I have parents who love that dark cloud just lingering right above their heads. And nothing makes me more crazy. Especially because I see them on a daily basis. So now they are just ecstatic and all they do is talk about the baby and I find myself fighting tears. I should be happy that gloom and doom isn't the focus and they are actually happy but inside I'm screaming at them to just stop. I can't let them know how upsetting it is to me to constantly hear them on the phone bragging about their first grandchild and how long they have waited. It is their right to be happy and they aren't trying to be mean to me, but they sort of forget sometimes that maybe it bothers me. Like I said, I can't complain out loud. It does me no good.

I'm trying...I really am.

Inching Along

Consent forms signed, cheeks swabbed, envelopes sealed and sent off. We're slowly inching along. Oh yeah, Aunt Flo has visited... This is the first time in a long time that I haven't been in tears because of it. It's been such a relief to not have to worry about ovulation, and temperature and perfect timing. I didn't have a two week wait. Although I now feel like I have a 7 1/2 week wait until anything really happens.

Tomorrow I make my first payment to the Genetic lab. I am so happy to have people who know what they are doing taking over.

I have my dentist appointment scheduled for next week, and then on Friday I have some pre-op stuff to take care of.

Then hubby and I are off for a mini vacation...so excited. But the day after we get back, I go for the hysteroscopy. I don't think we'll vacation again until after the retrieval and transfer. Hopefully then we can go on a happy vacation with something awesome to look forward to.

Cheeky

Time to swab the cheeks. I received my packet of consent forms, information, cheek swab kits, and payment amounts. In preparation for the P*G*D testing, DH and I had to give blood. They also requested cheek swab samples from our parents to create a family history report. It just clarifies things for them, so we will do what we have to do.

This set-up has an out-of-pocket price tag of $4000. They also give us the option to do an aneuploidy screening test which tests for some of the more common chromosomal problems such as Down Syndrome, trisomy 13 and trisomy 18, and chromosomes X and Y. The accuracy of this test is 90%. I don't know if I mentioned before but the P*G*D testing is 95-98% accurate, which would mean a CVS test at 10 weeks as well. The additional cost for the aneuploidy test is $2000.

Once the lab has gathered all of this information, they are ready for testing. That will occur after egg retrieval and on day 5 (five days after egg retrieval), the results will be ready. This will be on the morning of the transfer. This will cost $3000. Insurance does not cover these costs.

All of this will be nothing but a memory once I'm holding my own baby in my arms. I can't even be stressed about these fees right now. It just means nothing to me.

Only 52 days (I hope) until I start my injections. It seems like forever.

It's a Boy!

So He's here. He was born Wednesday the 19th of March and he's so handsome. It was a long labor, the little guy just didn't want to position himself properly. I spent the whole day at the hospital with my mom, my sister and my brother.

I really thought I would be more upset than happy, as crazy as that sounds, but I was OK. I couldn't let my emotions get the best of me. I have to just be happy for my sister.

But damn, my baby would've been a week and a half old right now.

The hardest thing right now is everyone calling me to congratulate me on becoming an aunt finally. And all I wish for is for people congratulating me on becoming a mother.

I'm not trying to rush my IVF injections, but I almost want to feel that pain right now to remind me that I am on the right track to having my own. Right now I feel like I'm waiting and waiting and in the meantime, babies are being born, other women are getting pregnant and I'm in limbo.

I need some fudge. It probably won't make me feel any better, but I got a great piece of it from my very best friend and I should have some now. So off I go to enjoy putting on some unnecessary weight. I probably should try and lose some since the stress of IVF might pack on a few more pounds...so I've heard.

Diet starts Monday!

Switch...again

Had my new ob-gyn appointment today and it was very disappointing. I just didn't get a warm fuzzy feeling when I walked in the door. I didn't get the warm fuzzies in the waiting room, and I sure as hell did not get them when I went into the exam room.

I don't know, it just was a weird setup, and the exam table/chair was something I've never seen before. It looked old and outdated. It was literally a chair with a high back, and then I guess it folds down for the exam. But it just was weird. I just didn't get a comfortable feeling. I felt like there is way too much technology out there for this office to look so 1970's.

I literally sat there for about 15 minutes waiting for the doctor thinking that it just wasn't right for me. I couldn't see myself coming there often, say if I got pregnant. I couldn't see my DH feeling at all comfortable.

So I quickly got up, told the girls at the front desk that I was having stomach issues (which isn't a lie-I really felt sick to my stomach), and I left very quickly.

I called my friend and asked her when the last time she had gone to that office and she said it was over 10 years. I don't think much has changed in there since then.

No worries though. I wrote a few quick emails to my chiropractor who had told me she would recommend a great ob-gyn, and I even sent a quick email to my genetic counselor who will be getting back to me tomorrow.

Was that bad of me? To get up and leave like that? I guess maybe I wasted their time a little bit, but there were about three other women sitting in those horrible looking chairs waiting for their exam. So I guess I just cut their wait time a little.

I think the girls at the front desk were a little annoyed, but hey, it's my body and I have to be comfortable. Update your damn office. Sorry.

I have to schedule my IVF Teach class closer to when I will start injections, which is May 17th. So I don't have to worry about that just yet.

But first...(anybody a fan of Big Brother? if so then you understood the bold writing)

My sister seems to be in labor...it started this morning. The mucus plug went and she's been having some pain today. Her midwife told her she needs to relax her body and not sit around all day stressing if she's going into labor. She told her to try and take a nap. Sounds easy, but she's had a bad cold lately and she's just ready to give birth now.

I'm just waiting for the phone to ring now. I 'll keep you posted.........

Not much new...

There's not much new to report today. I will finally see my new ob-gyn tomorrow. I'm sure I will like her. She comes highly recommended and I also found out that my best friend used to have her as her ob-gyn years ago before she moved further away. I guess that's a good sign.

I won't have to start my IVF injections until exactly two months from today. I loved how they pulled out a calendar and with the information they got from me, they just gave me a rundown of how the next couple of months will go.

My counselor even told me not to worry about memorizing the calendar and everything I have to do because she'll be letting me know every step of the way. Well, I have pretty much memorized it and I can just tell anyone off the top of my head what I have to do.

My DH can't believe that I've memorized the whole calendar. He doesn't realize that it's all I think about all day long. I am constantly updating my calendar and keeping track of every little detail. I don't know, maybe I've got too much time on my hands until the real important stuff begins.

Now that I've gotten the ball rolling with this, I want it to happen now! I am so damn impatient.

On another note, my sister is due in about 6 days. I know she's gonna be a great mom, I just can't believe that it is so close now. It seems like forever that she's been pregnant.

I'll let you know how my new ob-gyn is tomorrow.

Change

Seems like I'll be changing my ob*gyn again. Actually what happened was...yesterday I had an appointment with a new ob*gyn, one who would be affiliated with a hospital closer to where I live. I waited a month and a half for this appointment only to find out that the doctor would only be at his current office for two more weeks and then would be moving.

It's a good thing I checked with the new place because I found out that he wouldn't be accepting my insurance.

That's ok though, because I had a second ob-gyn on standby. She came highly recommended and as it turns out my best friend used to go to her before she moved further away. I really did want to her instead but since I had made the other appointment first I thought I'd just stay with my first choice. I was sort of skeptical about having a male ob, only because I happen to be more comfortable with female doctors.

I thought I would have to wait forever for an appointment, but I was able to get one for Monday.

So we'll see. There's been lots of change for me this year, from doctors to a whole new outlook on this baby making process.

Step One

Step One...
I guess this can apply to me too. We had to have bloodwork done today for step one of the genetic testing.
Because hubby has a rare form of Thal.assemia, they need to analyze his blood as well as mine, and this will help when they do the P*G*D* test later on. We're taking baby steps...to real baby steps!!